Well, hello. It's been quite some time, hasn't it? I dropped off of the face of the Earth for awhile as I turned my life upside down. Don't know how to get it right side up, but I suppose that's all part of the process. I stopped writing because it was hurting someone else’s feelings. They didn’t know how to not take it personally. So I stopped. I stopped expressing myself. Again. To prevent them from hurting. I never should have stopped. It just made it worse again.
Divorce is a bummer. Especially when you can't give the other person what they need and you have no idea what it is you want. Because you don't know who you are anymore. That didn't happen overnight, but the realization certainly creeps up on you and smacks you in the face. Ouch. It all comes down to the choices we make that we think will make it easier for the other person. For good or bad. For better or worse. Sometimes it's just kinder to let the other person go so you can stop putting them through the slog that you can't figure out yourself. Time and distance gives perspective and answers; therapy and Zoloft help too.
Divorce sucks, especially if you still love the other person. It really sucks when you get to a point that you can't love them they way they want to be loved. This has happened to me. I am not an anomaly in this situation, it has happened all before to people far better than I. And each situation is unique yet oddly the same. The reasons vary. The result is the same. Hurt. Pain. Loss of a friend. Not being able to give a good answer. Letting them go. Was it the coward's way out? Maybe. Was it the right decision? No idea. But there was no way for me to find the answers in that situation. That had to change in order for perspective to be gained because it wasn't happening any other way.
The answers you finally find don't make it any better. What is tough is that, even though you're going through the motions you can get through when you're in that situation, you aren't feeling the emotions you should because you've buried them. I buried them. I buried them because it caused a riot in the other person when I expressed them. I buried them because it wasn't acceptable how I expressed them. I buried them because they didn't fit into the version of what I was expected to be. The problem is is that I buried them so deep, that they couldn't be reached anymore. No matter what I did. No matter what someone else tried. Because the situation never changed. I became emotionally and physically paralyzed. I lost my yes. I was a prisoner of my own fear, withdrawing from everything. Wow, it's so much easier to see this now! Hind sight is indeed 20/20.
The fact is that we all have baggage. From a divorce. A breakup. Family. Our parents. It's hard to recognize it - so easy to overlook it and pretend it's not there but see it in others. That we're the exception to the baggage. No one is the exception to the baggage. You don't have baggage now that you've been through this; you've always had it, and it has impacted how you handle the situation. This situation. Now.
So, as I come back around to myself, the self that's been buried for so long, don't expect it to be smooth sailing. I expect it to be bumpy. And painful. Sometimes quick and sometimes painstakingly slow. But I'll get there. And when I do, I will be me again. Me, not some version of me. And I will be loved and accepted for that. Not for who I should be, could be, would be, but for me now. And forever. No matter if I become something or stay nothing. I will be accepted and loved, if just by me.
