More of Me to Love

I've been thinking a lot about how I am as a person. Single, at work, with friends… I have come to the conclusion that I don't do well with people who constantly need to impress people and/or be the clown to feel better about themselves, who judge others to raise themselves up, who must do or have something because, otherwise, what would people think??? I have the carnage of history behind me to prove that point. 

I love who I am. Right now. As a single woman. I am calm, happy, dare I say care free, and no longer battling. No longer feeling less than because I don't measure up to expectations. No longer numb. I find myself getting very irritated very quickly with the "pay attention to me" attitude when I am confronted with it. I turn away, thankful that I have a different outlook, one that I value greatly and never want to give up or suppress for anyone in my future. If I ever decide to put myself out there again… oh, dear Lord, I can't even think about that right now. Happy girl!

Happy FAT girl. Oy! The two plus years of serious depression and depression meds, focusing on the inside instead of the outside, have made me rolly polly all over again. Hello unwanted pounds I already shed! How did you come back so quickly and when I wasn't looking? Now that I am nearly weened completely off of the meds and am of sound mind - well, semi-sound, none of us can say we are of completely sound minds - it's time to think about getting the sound body. Of course, we all know what is good for us. Good ol' fashioned exercise and a balanced diet. Sooo boring. Right? Sorry, li'l pumpkin! No other way around it. Strap on those shoes , get off your ass, and start walking.

After a nap...

The Heat Is On!

So, it's summer in New York City. In case you can't tell by the rising temperature, you can surely tell by the gaggles and gaggles of tourists and smelly garbage and even smellier homeless people, usually sitting close to me on the subway. In a hot car. With no air conditioning. That makes you go home and immediately take a Silkwood shower to decontaminate yourself.

Ahhh, summer is on like Donkey Kong! In a stroke of genius or sheer stupidity, I have decided not to install my air conditioner. I'm moving out at the end of July, so why should I go through that hassle? I can't even lift the damn thing by myself, so I'm not going to risk the hernia. I can tough it out, I thought. I am an adult, I have a fan. It has three speeds, I can just turn it up if I get too hot. It would be just like it was when I was a kid growing up in Indiana. Except without the pool. Or the cool basement. Or the naivete of being a stupid child.

Instead, I go home, throw open the windows - it's hotter in my apartment than it is outside - open the curtains, and place my fan in front of the window. I turn it on. Nothing better than a soggy, hot breeze! Fail. Next, I strip. I don't do this willy nilly nor to any strip club music. I know that's the image you have. As if. Now, I have to be very careful. I face the back of another building with no occupied apartments facing me on the first floor. The second floor is another story. One day - not literally one day, but one of a few days - before I felt the need to strip, I was sitting on my couch working on my photography. I happened to look out my window to ponder an incredibly smart idea when I noticed a voyeur. A middle aged woman was at her window staring at me. My first thought was ewwww. My second thought was, am I fully dressed? Thankfully, that answer was yes. My third thought was how long has this creeper been staring at me??? And she is still staring at me, even thought it's been a good minute since our eyes locked. I quickly get up and closed the curtain. Before I close it, I flip her the bird. Yes, I did it. It's New York. I have become a New Yorker. I told a cabbie to go fuck himself the other day after honking at me as I was crossing the street with the Walk sign. Don't judge me.

Now, instead of throwing my curtains wide open, I just open them at the bottom. Fuck you, old lady voyeur.

The heat keeps ratcheting up. It got so bad one night that I turned my fan up from slow to medium. I fell asleep to a faster soggy, hot breeze hitting my body. And I fell asleep rather quickly, which is incredibly odd for me and my insomniatic brain, so I must have passed out from the heat. About 1/2 hour into my sleep, I am rudely awakened by an incredible clanging. In my sleep/heat induced stupor, I thought the aliens had finally arrived to take over the planet. And my apartment was chosen as their headquarters. I fumble and turn on my light and realize that the blades have fallen off of my fan and are rattling around inside the metal cage as the spindle continues to turn. About 20 minutes later and drenched in sweat, my fan is reassembled and on low. I strip off my pj's and lay on top of my sheet in defeat.

So this is what melting feels like.

Ready, Set, Go!

Okay. More crazy! Two years ago, a year ago, even 8 months ago, I would not have enjoyed and done well with this. Oh, how times have changed! I am relaxed, reveling, and ready. For what? Hmmm…

I am moving. Where? Out of my apartment for now. It's just too much moolah on my current salary. Before, this would have sent me spiraling and into paralysis. OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? GAHHHHH!!! Cut to me in a fetal position. Now, I am actually excited. It will open me up to other opportunities, big and small. I'm out by the end of July. Hopefully, a kind soul will give me some floor space until I figure out where to land - renting a cheaper apartment, finding a roommate. Anything can happen between now and then. Exciting thing #1!

To continue moving forward, I am working on improving the financial flow. Aren't we all?!? So, I've opened up my Etsy shop for my photography. I have some of the photographs from my Provincetown trip on there now. More will follow soon! I am working on creating blank note cards as well. So much fun! Not necessarily the guaranteed way to earn extra money, but I love it. I want to share my view. I've been working through so many things in writing to express myself; it's time I do that through how I view the world. Exciting thing #2!

I'm also working on a better paying job. I've made no secret of it at work that I would be more than happy to take advancement in another city. Why not? I have nothing tying me down here. We are getting ready for a new fiscal year, and performance reviews are upcoming. Does a new fiscal year mean potential job openings? Maybe. I'm hoping! Again, absolutely no guarantees, but I have many people in my corner. Exciting thing #3!

Yep, I'm in a great place. I'm ready!

Ready to Fly

Life is getting a little crazy. Good crazy, not bad crazy, but it's still a bit stressful to deal with it. I have never been one to enjoy anything crazy because I always had to keep the order, keep the peace, tow the line, so someone else could be footloose and fancy free. I really hated that about myself, but I could never say no to the responsibility and disappoint in yet another instance. No more. I feel like I'm beginning to fly by the seat of my pants. And I kinda like it!

One of the things I did was take a vacation. By myself. For myself. A gift to myself. Could I afford it? No. But I did it anyway. I was looking to recharge my batteries and find passion again for photography. I succeeded in doing both. I woke up everyday, when I wanted to. I decided what to do, when I wanted to.  I took photos of whatever I wanted, when I wanted to.  I LOVED it. Aside, of course, from it being commonly known as a big lesbian weekend at this little hot spot - I was the square peg in the round hole = not a lesbian, oy vey! - but I still loved it. And I loved the photographs I got as a result. And the passion for it I found again.

What an amazing feeling it is when you find something that you lost. That, perhaps, you thought you had lost forever.

Photography is still very new to me, so I have a lot of exploring and catching up to do. I found photography at a time in my life when it was already a quivering mess. I latched onto it but couldn't make a serious go of it because I was surrounded by too much emotional wreckage. I couldn't look up. I couldn't look forward. I could only look down. Now? I'm looking up. I'm looking forward. I'm not looking down.

I'm looking to fly.

Me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama!

Today is a special day, a day to celebrate our mothers. Now, we all well know that mothers should be celebrated every day because of the job that they do, but I am taking this special day to share and celebrate my mother, Sara aka "Sally". I was going to get her a card, but I wanted more than just my mother to know how much I love and appreciate her. So, this is for you, Mama.

Born on March 28, Sally was one of three children, and the only daughter, of Hugh and Helen, in a small midwestern town. Raised in that same town, she met my father, Jack. They married and, despite troubles and alcoholism, had five children - four of which are my brother and sisters. When I was very young, the troubles became too great and the marriage ended. My mother was faced with the task of supporting five children on her own and raising us on her own. Thankfully, my grandfather took all of us in so my mother could work and support us. While it may not have been my mother's dream to move back in with her father with five kids in tow, she did it to give us a chance at a better life. Choice was not a factor; she did it  because she loved us, not because it was what she wanted to do for herself. I cannot imagine the feelings and emotions that went into this decision, how much of herself she had to swallow and sacrifice. For us.

Sally made it through all of our pre-teen and teenage years, as we all did despite our best efforts to go a little haywire. Lessons have been learned, some lessons are still being worked on, and I'm sure there are many many more down the road. She continued to work and care for an aging father who didn't always show appreciation for her efforts, and five kids who were screaming at, fighting with, laughing at, and loving and hating each other. It's a wonder she didn't kill any of us - I am sure, many times, she thought about it! :)

Now that we are all grown and on our own, my mother has been dealing with a life on her own. My grandfather died when I was a teenager and left her an inheritance that had sustained her well until the recession. She's taken a hit, but she is still a survivor, making it work. Sally wishes we were around more often. To help out around the house, yes, but also to share our lives together and continue laughing and loving. She continues to be there for us with support, the loving word, the harsh word when necessary, and always ALWAYS the open heart. She will always know what is best for us even when we don't listen. She will always love us unconditionally whether we are making a mistake or making a dream come true. We are still her children, and she will love us all well beyond when death separates us. I cannot imagine my life without her in my corner, always cheering me on.

Mama, you are the best mother for me and Tricia, Helen, DeeDee, and John. I love you with all my heart and soul. I appreciate you and what you have sacrificed for us. You are my Mama. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just Another Statistic… But So Much More

Well, it's done. The divorce is final. Very bittersweet with a sense of relief. A relief for the finality of it. He moved on as soon as he could well before the final verdict - I've been completely replaced by a "friend". It doesn't help that I am finally expressing myself, and that is "inappropriate and detrimental to others". Yeah. Bullshit. Being replaced hurts, but it's a hurt that I will get over. Knowing that, in the long run, the best decision for that current situation was made. Cowardice or bravery, it doesn't matter. It's done. Breathe in the good air, and out with the bad air. In with the good, out with the bad. Ahhhhhh!

Focusing on the present and dreaming of the future is what I'm doing now. ALOT of dreaming! So much so that I'm pinching every single penny out of financial necessity to keep the spending down and increase the travel opportunities. It'll take a long time on my current salary, so I've been working on that, too. The down side to that is I'm not doing much. Walking around, okay. Watching movies, alright. staring at the ceiling, yawn… pretty boring, when you get right down to it. :) It is giving me quite a bit of time to think and continue to work on myself, interruption free. But even I get sick of myself after awhile. As interesting as I think I am, I'm really not all that interesting. Even I stop laughing at my jokes!

So, I will probably break out the camera and venture out over the weekend. I haven't done that in a very long time. I haven't felt like it. I always felt like I was being pushed into doing things for the impression it would make on others. That's tarnished many things for me, but I need to start taking all of that back to have more joy again. So, the camera battery will be charged for Saturday/Sunday excursions. Where? No idea. Maybe I'll hop on the train to Brooklyn and get off wherever I feel like it. Flushing Meadows Park? Chinatown? Bronx Zoo? Botanical Gardens in Queens? Hmmmmm….

Any suggestions? Wanna come with?