Just Another Statistic… But So Much More

Well, it's done. The divorce is final. Very bittersweet with a sense of relief. A relief for the finality of it. He moved on as soon as he could well before the final verdict - I've been completely replaced by a "friend". It doesn't help that I am finally expressing myself, and that is "inappropriate and detrimental to others". Yeah. Bullshit. Being replaced hurts, but it's a hurt that I will get over. Knowing that, in the long run, the best decision for that current situation was made. Cowardice or bravery, it doesn't matter. It's done. Breathe in the good air, and out with the bad air. In with the good, out with the bad. Ahhhhhh!

Focusing on the present and dreaming of the future is what I'm doing now. ALOT of dreaming! So much so that I'm pinching every single penny out of financial necessity to keep the spending down and increase the travel opportunities. It'll take a long time on my current salary, so I've been working on that, too. The down side to that is I'm not doing much. Walking around, okay. Watching movies, alright. staring at the ceiling, yawn… pretty boring, when you get right down to it. :) It is giving me quite a bit of time to think and continue to work on myself, interruption free. But even I get sick of myself after awhile. As interesting as I think I am, I'm really not all that interesting. Even I stop laughing at my jokes!

So, I will probably break out the camera and venture out over the weekend. I haven't done that in a very long time. I haven't felt like it. I always felt like I was being pushed into doing things for the impression it would make on others. That's tarnished many things for me, but I need to start taking all of that back to have more joy again. So, the camera battery will be charged for Saturday/Sunday excursions. Where? No idea. Maybe I'll hop on the train to Brooklyn and get off wherever I feel like it. Flushing Meadows Park? Chinatown? Bronx Zoo? Botanical Gardens in Queens? Hmmmmm….

Any suggestions? Wanna come with?

Get along, little doggy...

Traveling. That is one thing that I have not done, that I've always said no to, because I was/still am afraid of flying. It's the height that terrifies me. As well as the crashing factor. It absolutely boggles my mind that people willingly pay money to fly in a bullet with wings that could just drop out of the sky. It's like finding out that someone who says, "I'm on your side!", then they run away from you. Insane!

HOWEVER, I am gaining new perspective. I am feeling freer than I have in a really long time. I am feeling freer to be myself, to do what I want. I don't have the pressure of doing something to impress someone. If I do something or don't do something, it is my choice and no one else's business. Nice! I am choosing to do what I want to do, and not to satisfy someone else. Constraints are gone, my yes is coming back, and I'm starting to feel adventurous. I have nothing holding me back. I'm a free bird!

So, I am saving my pennies and deciding where all I want to go. So many possibilities! I would rather avoid the tourist traps, because I don't care if I am seen or not. The Caribbean? Nice, but everyone goes there. That's a place to be seen. But that could be a nice, short trip. How about a longer one? Sweden? Mother Russia? Iceland to see the Northern Lights? Thailand? Berlin? Northern Canada even?

The thing is, I don't want to go just to go. I want to go with a purpose. Even if that purpose is to meditate and reflect on my life. To live in someone else's shoes for a day. To explore and confirm that there is more to life than impressing and coddling and being likable. So, where to?

I like that.