More of Me to Love

I've been thinking a lot about how I am as a person. Single, at work, with friends… I have come to the conclusion that I don't do well with people who constantly need to impress people and/or be the clown to feel better about themselves, who judge others to raise themselves up, who must do or have something because, otherwise, what would people think??? I have the carnage of history behind me to prove that point. 

I love who I am. Right now. As a single woman. I am calm, happy, dare I say care free, and no longer battling. No longer feeling less than because I don't measure up to expectations. No longer numb. I find myself getting very irritated very quickly with the "pay attention to me" attitude when I am confronted with it. I turn away, thankful that I have a different outlook, one that I value greatly and never want to give up or suppress for anyone in my future. If I ever decide to put myself out there again… oh, dear Lord, I can't even think about that right now. Happy girl!

Happy FAT girl. Oy! The two plus years of serious depression and depression meds, focusing on the inside instead of the outside, have made me rolly polly all over again. Hello unwanted pounds I already shed! How did you come back so quickly and when I wasn't looking? Now that I am nearly weened completely off of the meds and am of sound mind - well, semi-sound, none of us can say we are of completely sound minds - it's time to think about getting the sound body. Of course, we all know what is good for us. Good ol' fashioned exercise and a balanced diet. Sooo boring. Right? Sorry, li'l pumpkin! No other way around it. Strap on those shoes , get off your ass, and start walking.

After a nap...

The Heat Is On!

So, it's summer in New York City. In case you can't tell by the rising temperature, you can surely tell by the gaggles and gaggles of tourists and smelly garbage and even smellier homeless people, usually sitting close to me on the subway. In a hot car. With no air conditioning. That makes you go home and immediately take a Silkwood shower to decontaminate yourself.

Ahhh, summer is on like Donkey Kong! In a stroke of genius or sheer stupidity, I have decided not to install my air conditioner. I'm moving out at the end of July, so why should I go through that hassle? I can't even lift the damn thing by myself, so I'm not going to risk the hernia. I can tough it out, I thought. I am an adult, I have a fan. It has three speeds, I can just turn it up if I get too hot. It would be just like it was when I was a kid growing up in Indiana. Except without the pool. Or the cool basement. Or the naivete of being a stupid child.

Instead, I go home, throw open the windows - it's hotter in my apartment than it is outside - open the curtains, and place my fan in front of the window. I turn it on. Nothing better than a soggy, hot breeze! Fail. Next, I strip. I don't do this willy nilly nor to any strip club music. I know that's the image you have. As if. Now, I have to be very careful. I face the back of another building with no occupied apartments facing me on the first floor. The second floor is another story. One day - not literally one day, but one of a few days - before I felt the need to strip, I was sitting on my couch working on my photography. I happened to look out my window to ponder an incredibly smart idea when I noticed a voyeur. A middle aged woman was at her window staring at me. My first thought was ewwww. My second thought was, am I fully dressed? Thankfully, that answer was yes. My third thought was how long has this creeper been staring at me??? And she is still staring at me, even thought it's been a good minute since our eyes locked. I quickly get up and closed the curtain. Before I close it, I flip her the bird. Yes, I did it. It's New York. I have become a New Yorker. I told a cabbie to go fuck himself the other day after honking at me as I was crossing the street with the Walk sign. Don't judge me.

Now, instead of throwing my curtains wide open, I just open them at the bottom. Fuck you, old lady voyeur.

The heat keeps ratcheting up. It got so bad one night that I turned my fan up from slow to medium. I fell asleep to a faster soggy, hot breeze hitting my body. And I fell asleep rather quickly, which is incredibly odd for me and my insomniatic brain, so I must have passed out from the heat. About 1/2 hour into my sleep, I am rudely awakened by an incredible clanging. In my sleep/heat induced stupor, I thought the aliens had finally arrived to take over the planet. And my apartment was chosen as their headquarters. I fumble and turn on my light and realize that the blades have fallen off of my fan and are rattling around inside the metal cage as the spindle continues to turn. About 20 minutes later and drenched in sweat, my fan is reassembled and on low. I strip off my pj's and lay on top of my sheet in defeat.

So this is what melting feels like.

Ready, Set, Go!

Okay. More crazy! Two years ago, a year ago, even 8 months ago, I would not have enjoyed and done well with this. Oh, how times have changed! I am relaxed, reveling, and ready. For what? Hmmm…

I am moving. Where? Out of my apartment for now. It's just too much moolah on my current salary. Before, this would have sent me spiraling and into paralysis. OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? GAHHHHH!!! Cut to me in a fetal position. Now, I am actually excited. It will open me up to other opportunities, big and small. I'm out by the end of July. Hopefully, a kind soul will give me some floor space until I figure out where to land - renting a cheaper apartment, finding a roommate. Anything can happen between now and then. Exciting thing #1!

To continue moving forward, I am working on improving the financial flow. Aren't we all?!? So, I've opened up my Etsy shop for my photography. I have some of the photographs from my Provincetown trip on there now. More will follow soon! I am working on creating blank note cards as well. So much fun! Not necessarily the guaranteed way to earn extra money, but I love it. I want to share my view. I've been working through so many things in writing to express myself; it's time I do that through how I view the world. Exciting thing #2!

I'm also working on a better paying job. I've made no secret of it at work that I would be more than happy to take advancement in another city. Why not? I have nothing tying me down here. We are getting ready for a new fiscal year, and performance reviews are upcoming. Does a new fiscal year mean potential job openings? Maybe. I'm hoping! Again, absolutely no guarantees, but I have many people in my corner. Exciting thing #3!

Yep, I'm in a great place. I'm ready!

Ready to Fly

Life is getting a little crazy. Good crazy, not bad crazy, but it's still a bit stressful to deal with it. I have never been one to enjoy anything crazy because I always had to keep the order, keep the peace, tow the line, so someone else could be footloose and fancy free. I really hated that about myself, but I could never say no to the responsibility and disappoint in yet another instance. No more. I feel like I'm beginning to fly by the seat of my pants. And I kinda like it!

One of the things I did was take a vacation. By myself. For myself. A gift to myself. Could I afford it? No. But I did it anyway. I was looking to recharge my batteries and find passion again for photography. I succeeded in doing both. I woke up everyday, when I wanted to. I decided what to do, when I wanted to.  I took photos of whatever I wanted, when I wanted to.  I LOVED it. Aside, of course, from it being commonly known as a big lesbian weekend at this little hot spot - I was the square peg in the round hole = not a lesbian, oy vey! - but I still loved it. And I loved the photographs I got as a result. And the passion for it I found again.

What an amazing feeling it is when you find something that you lost. That, perhaps, you thought you had lost forever.

Photography is still very new to me, so I have a lot of exploring and catching up to do. I found photography at a time in my life when it was already a quivering mess. I latched onto it but couldn't make a serious go of it because I was surrounded by too much emotional wreckage. I couldn't look up. I couldn't look forward. I could only look down. Now? I'm looking up. I'm looking forward. I'm not looking down.

I'm looking to fly.

Me.

Just Another Statistic… But So Much More

Well, it's done. The divorce is final. Very bittersweet with a sense of relief. A relief for the finality of it. He moved on as soon as he could well before the final verdict - I've been completely replaced by a "friend". It doesn't help that I am finally expressing myself, and that is "inappropriate and detrimental to others". Yeah. Bullshit. Being replaced hurts, but it's a hurt that I will get over. Knowing that, in the long run, the best decision for that current situation was made. Cowardice or bravery, it doesn't matter. It's done. Breathe in the good air, and out with the bad air. In with the good, out with the bad. Ahhhhhh!

Focusing on the present and dreaming of the future is what I'm doing now. ALOT of dreaming! So much so that I'm pinching every single penny out of financial necessity to keep the spending down and increase the travel opportunities. It'll take a long time on my current salary, so I've been working on that, too. The down side to that is I'm not doing much. Walking around, okay. Watching movies, alright. staring at the ceiling, yawn… pretty boring, when you get right down to it. :) It is giving me quite a bit of time to think and continue to work on myself, interruption free. But even I get sick of myself after awhile. As interesting as I think I am, I'm really not all that interesting. Even I stop laughing at my jokes!

So, I will probably break out the camera and venture out over the weekend. I haven't done that in a very long time. I haven't felt like it. I always felt like I was being pushed into doing things for the impression it would make on others. That's tarnished many things for me, but I need to start taking all of that back to have more joy again. So, the camera battery will be charged for Saturday/Sunday excursions. Where? No idea. Maybe I'll hop on the train to Brooklyn and get off wherever I feel like it. Flushing Meadows Park? Chinatown? Bronx Zoo? Botanical Gardens in Queens? Hmmmmm….

Any suggestions? Wanna come with?

A Coddler No More!

We are stronger than we know. It’s our strength that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other as we continue to search for that something that everyone else seems to have so easily. And we keep trying. And trying. And trying. To share, to live, to laugh and love. To do that, we must communicate. 

Now, I am not the best communicator. Yes, I see you nodding your head and I hear you saying, “No shit! I’ve been telling you that for years!”. Yeah, thanks. Luckily, I am not alone. I can look to my right and to my left, and I can see people struggling to communicate. To express and share without fear of being ridiculed, talked down to, or told we are wrong. Everyone loves to judge, but we all hate to be judged. Ironic, isn’t it? The truth is, we are all terrible communicators. See that? I’m judging. :) But I promise, I have a point. 

Even those who say they are an open book are terrible communicators. Why? Because we don’t speak the same language. And I’m not talking about English, Spanish, or French here. I’m talking about tone, word choice, inflection, patience, understanding, and care. So often we fail to give each other that safety net of unconditional love, support, and acceptance as we express ourselves in our own ways. We let our own judgments cloud and interpret what we are hearing and not hearing. We put so much of ourselves on the other person that we forget to let them be themselves, that we force them to cater to our needs.

I have been a coddler for years. A coddler to tow an even line, to make life easier for some of those around me, so they would feel better about themselves. I stopped being honest and expressing myself as I need to in order to open up and be free. I did so to try to protect someone else. Did it work? Of course not! In coddling them, I ended up coddling myself. Giving myself the out for various reasons in many situations. In protecting them from “the unacceptable me”, I in essence put up a protective barrier around myself. It was a barrier of brick and mortar, steel and stone. Inpenetrable once it became so thick, to those trying to get in, and to me trying to get out.

Now, I am in a position where I am no longer bound to that coddling. You could say that I’ve taken a vow of non-coddling from now on. And instead of being silent, I am going to speak up and be heard. It’s better for both sides, even if speaking up hurts some feelings for awhile. Hurt feelings fade, and logic comes in to reason it out. It’s just getting to that point, and no longer giving myself the out.

Coddling, you're my bitch now!

Depression, meet my fist.

Depression. It's a bitch. I've dealt with it for years without even realizing I was dealing with it. And, trust me, I didn't deal with it all that well. At all. It affects nearly everyone, but we are so ashamed to admit it because it may be viewed as a weakness. I no longer care, and neither should you. I have been dealing with depression for YEARS. It has colored my world view and taken part in my decisions - even taking many decisions away from me.

Depression is an emotional, psychological, and chemically imbalanced monster that is so insidious, you don't realize it's there most of the time. It hides itself in overeating, oversleeping, overreacting, anger, lethargy, fear, and insecurity. Depression makes you feel so out of control that you grab on to the littlest things to "over-control". It shames you into keeping it to yourself so it can continue to eat away at you. Depression wants you to be alone. It wants you to push away loved ones who are concerned because it doesn't want you to hear what they have to say to help you. Depression colors concerned words into judgment of your self worth. It's a beast!

A dear friend just realized she has been dealing with depression for years. It has affected her relationships, just as it has mine. I want to let her know that she is not alone. She doesn't have to hide. I will not judge. Those who love her, if they truly understand (and explanation with questions, while uncomfortable, will lead to understanding), will not judge. The support is there. You, my dear, are not alone and valued greatly.  You can now be calm and take the time needed to find your footing and your true self. To find the joy in the little things and laugh. This is about you; if a partner or loved one cannot handle it, then let them fall by the wayside for now because they will only pull you back in to the depression. Absolutely, it will hurt like hell. But you have the strength to do this and whatever may happen so you can get back to you. Depression is no longer a death sentence! Just take it one hug at a time.

Hugs are so underrated!

All That Glitters...

A spark came back today when I found these shoes:

That's right. A pair of glitter Oxfords. I saw them and wasn't sure about them. But I still decided to try them on. When I did, I giggled. Yes, giggled. I love them! Sure, they may be trendy and a fad that I won't be able to wear for long, but they brightened my day! So I got them.

Only in New York City, friends.

I'm giggling again. Literally and metaphorically. Giggling! Weeeee!!!

Dreams

I had an incredible dream last night. It's not often that I have a dream that leaves such an impression on me as this one did…

I dreamt that I was naked, swimming through the streets of New York City. I was deliciously curvy and deliriously happy. When I got out of the water and stepped onto the sidewalk, I was no longer in New York City, but I was in a place that was home. The sun was bright and shining, the sky was clear blue with tufts of beautiful white clouds - just like heaps of cotton balls - and the air was warm and cool at the same time. I was in a city with new and old buildings. There was incredibly green grass, young as well as mature trees in full beauty, and stunning flowers all around. As I walked home, feeling my nakedness, the landscape was sometimes flat, sometimes hilly. No one noticed my nakedness, all just smiled warmly at me as I passed by. I felt welcomed and accepted for the first time. Fred Thompson walked for a short while in front of me, as if he were there to lead me home if I needed it.

Awesome dream.

Once

There are moments in life when your vision changes. These can be big moments or little moments. It can be a large shift or just a small one. I suppose it depends on how important it is that you see it happening. My biggest changes have happened in the smallest, most intimate moments for me. No, not in the bedroom. For me, they have happened when I have been witnessing a true and achingly beautiful moment on the stage. And it's typically through a tragically beautiful character in a tragically beautiful moment. Last night, I experienced one of these moments as I witnessed Once unfold onstage.

This story, through its emotionality and soul connection, touched me deeply through self recognition, awareness, and longing. Two people experienced and shared in five days the emotional connection most of us long for throughout our lives. There was not groping, panting, or fucking. It was just two people who, through the course of a week, emotionally changed each other's lives. For the better? I don't know, possibly. They came out wiser and with a more open heart. They came out with a desire to live and the courage to move forward.

I came out with a desire to live and move forward. To stop wasting time. To know that human connection is worth it in the face of the pain and heartache that it can bring. That opening yourself up is opening up your world. Don't sell yourself short. Believe in yourself and pull yourself up by your boot straps. Face it. Live it. Love.

With the right and unexpected connections, it's totally worth it. Scary, but totally worth it.

Day 1.

Infatuation

Infatuation. Many confuse this word with love. It is not love for another person. Infatuation is the love of an idea, not reality. It is conditional; it is not lasting. Infatuation is my "love" for Hugh Jackman and Chrstian Bale. It is not based in reality.

Saying you've been infatuated with someone for years is not a compliment. Not really. Saying "I love your work!" is a compliment. "You're a great actor!" is a compliment. Saying you're infatuated with someone just means "I love the idea of you.". It's like, "I'm your biggest fan! But why did you drive drunk? I would NEVER do that. Why would you go out with that guy? I don't approve of him. Why would you watch that TV show? I hate that show." It's having the idea of someone else but not allowing reality and humanity to be included in that idea.

When you realize that someone you love has been infatuated with you, some things start to make sense. Like, it doesn't matter how much of yourself you gave up to try to make the other person happy, because it never would have worked. While someone may be in love with the idea of you as strong, they cannot handle that in reality. They may praise you for being outspoken but hate it when you speak up and voice your opinion when you contradict them. They love your independence but then shame you because you won't go to them to show your vulnerability; when you do show your vulnerability and show that you need someone, they are aghast. It ends up being a catch 22. 

Finding someone who truly loves you unconditionally is tough. My mother loves me unconditionally. It won't keep my bed warm at night, but it will certainly keep my heart warm. I may never find a man who loves me unconditionally for all of my strengths and all of my flaws. It certainly isn't what I need to survive. I'll keep living. In New York City for now, but who knows what my future will bring? I don't.

But it sure would be nice to have a warm bed... 

Acknowledge!

Self reflection. Many loathe those words! Many fear those words. Many avoid those words at all cost. It's never pretty when the blame game meets self justification. My response?

Shut the fuck up. Listen. Stop going to your yes men - or women - for your sympathy and self justification. When you go to others for your answers instead of focusing on the truth from within, the answers you get are wrong. Flip your switch from pouty child to responsible adult and accept your part. No one person is to blame. Playing the blame game gets you nowhere because there are two sides to everything. It's time to pull up your big boy or girl panties and acknowledge that.

Acknowledge silence.

Acknowledge truth.

Acknowledge self value and self worth.

Acknowledge value in others instead of making them feel "less than" due to your perception of their flaws.

Acknowledge and accept imperfection in yourself and others.

The path to emotional freedom and well being is not through others but through yourself. No one can make you happy because of what they can do for you. Only you can make you happy with what you can do for yourself. Stop looking to the outside for your happiness. That's just noise and distraction and temporary. Find it from within what resides in us all.

And no, I'm not reading a bunch of self help books. I am reading, but I'm not following someone else's "10 Steps to Happiness!". It is true self reflection. This is about me. You think it's about you? Why? Does something strike a chord or nerve and force a reaction from you? Okay. Then it's about you, too.

I'm gonna let that stew for awhile. Marinate. Infuse and spread.

Time Keeps Tickin' Away

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted. And it's not that I've been up to anything…definitive. Time consuming, perhaps, but not entirely enlightening. Christmas has come and gone, along with a blizzard that kept us in Indiana a bit longer than I wanted. I missed home and my dogs and my comfort! It was good to go back to visit family and friends, but it was even better to be home. Now, back to the task of figuring out what I am supposed to be doing…

Time waits for no man. Nor woman. Nor being. Tomorrow, I am 40. The big 4-0. Woah. Not that I mind turning 40 or the gray hairs that accompany it, but I am afraid this milestone is bringing no more clarity with it than the last few months have. Not that I have not found any. I have. Unfortunately, it's more disappointing than it is uplifting. Ah, well. At least I'm a little further along. 

I have realized that, perhaps, I am just meant to enjoy viewing and experiencing theatre as an audience member, not as a professional or as a profession. That's that. And it's not all bad. I LOVE theatre! I love going to a show and looking through the looking glass. The lives created, the breaths taken, the bricks layed are fascinating and captivating. I will forever long to dive in, but I will do so from my seat in the house. 

So what's next? Not sure. I am currently in an internship. With a theatre management/production company. Yes, this experience has certainly helped me come to my aforementioned conclusion. :) So, do I go back to school? Maybe. But for what? Do I dare continue to try the Arts? Photography, perhaps? Would I end up in the same boat as I am now? I don't know. I have to be okay with that. That is so hard for me! Living in the moment, experiencing the moment, yada yada yada. 

Perhaps I should be an importer/exporter. What do you think, George and Elaine?

I'm Mister Snow Miser...

Another holiday has come and gone. It was a great time with family and friends as we traveled back home to Indiana to make the rounds and spread the love. The plan was to travel to the midwest by train, stay a week, then hitch a ride with my father-in-law back to New York City. The best laid plans do not always work out as one hopes. The goal is to remain flexible and enjoy the ride, however it turns out. Truer words were never spoken!

We left Manhattan on Monday afternoon. After taking our dogs to the dog sitter, we headed to the train station. So exciting to take a train for once and not have to drive! And no, I do not fly at this time, much to my husband's angst and frustration. A paperweight suspended in the air? No strings attached? No net? No thanks. We usually drive, but we quickly learned that we did not need a car in the City so it was sold within three weeks of the move. The train it is! It ended up being a nice, relaxing trip. While the train was full, it was quiet and calming. The gentle swaying of the car was relaxing. The hum of the rails beneath the train was soothing. The assurance that we weren't going to miss the next exit or highway change was a breath of fresh air! We arrived in Indiana ready for the week that was to come. And what a week it was!

We hit the ground running as soon as the train dropped us off. And we had a blast! Drinks and a movie with theatre friends, dinners with old and dear friends, and quality time with family made it all worth while. And a video skype with my nephew in Iraq. Priceless. Six months shy of 21 years old, and he is working towards ending a war. No matter your opinion of what is gong on in Iraq, I could not be more proud of my nephew.

Then, as we were looking forward to heading back home to NYC tomorrow, Mother Nature dropped by for a visit with the Snow Miser. We were surprised the two had not been around yet, but perhaps they were waiting for us to leave so they could surprise us. And are they doing a number on the City! So far, it is 10.5" and counting. Needless to say, we will not be able to travel home on Monday. This makes me very sad. I am ready to be home.

Home. New York City feels like home now, just after six months. That is a wonderful feeling! My heart is longing to be back in the City. To pick up my dogs. To experience the beauty in this beast of a snow storm. To watch our neighborhood wake up like a sleepy little hamlet and see the supers become busy bees making channels in the snow. To watch my dogs romp and play in the snow, to snap at it like it's a new toy, to burrow their heads deep down in search of something hidden below the surface, and to taste the cold flakes on their tongues. 

Alas, we are in Indiana for at least one more day. We will make the most of it, I'm sure. Perhaps seeing family again. Or perhaps sleeping in and catching up on some old movies. Drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cookies. Yeah, I like the sound of that. If I can't be home, I'll at least make the most of it.

Happy holidays, everyone, where ever you may be!

Rain Drops Keep Fallin' On My Head...

A very dreary and wet day today.

The fire escape doesn't hold the magic and promise it usually does.

I think I'll stay inside and dream of a drier tomorrow.

The Most Magical Time of the Year

It's The Eye of the Tiger

I took a break over Thanksgiving. Lots of family time in New York City and Connecticut, running around, seeing theatre, enjoying life for a bit. Now I'm looking forward to heading home to Indiana over the Christmas holiday. Hopefully, life will start moving forward after that. Even though emotional changes are happening and mental decisions may or may not have been made, physical life is staying the same. Thankfully, I have a few people in my corner, cheering me on.

Support is always important. It can manifest itself in many ways, some constant and reliable and other surprising and out of the blue. You may say you don't need the support, you can do it on your own, but you still need it. Deep down, you know that it's true. It can be the physical support you still need after decisions are made. If it's a career change, how are you going to support yourself while you are working on a new career path? How are you going to pay for rent, insurance, transportation, food and water? How will you encourage yourself to continue on down this new direction after the excitement has worn off and the "Oh shit! What have I done? Quick, change it back!" doubts kick in? It's always nice to have a partner to rely on for those financial necessities and mental breakdowns. But what if you don't have a partner? What if you feel like you are alone in what you are trying to do?

I know, it's silly. We are never truly alone. But it often feels that way. You try to talk to someone, let them know what you are feeling, and they respond in a way that seems like they don't understand what you are trying to say or how you are feeling. You say it a different way, and they still don't understand. So you mentally go it solo. You stop sharing because it's the same every time you do. You start feeling like this alien creature in this human body that no one has the capacity to comprehend. Your human skin becomes your protection and your prison. Not as fun as it sounds. Just ask Sigourney Weaver.

It is really nice to have at least one person in your corner. One person who, even if they don't understand what you are saying, will say, "Okay. You do what you need to do. I'm here for you.". Or having that one person with whom you can commiserate. That's all we need, sometimes. Someone to listen, to forget about how it might impact them, and say, "Woah! That's a bummer!" or "Wow! How exciting!" or "Hey! Good for you!!!". Don't try to fix it - it's not yours to fix. Sometimes, it's just yours to listen and cheer us on.

That's all we need. Our own Mickey Goldmill.

If Ya Don't Got It, Fake It Until Ya Do!

If ya got it, flaunt it. Trouble is, I don't got it just yet. Self confidence, that is. It's a tricky thing, that self confidence. Some people have it and have no reason to have it; some have it oozing out of their pores for all of the right reasons. Still others struggle to grab it and hold on tight. I, of course, am currently of the latter. I had it at some point in my life, then I buried myself and lost it. As you all know by now, I am working on getting it back and living again. The problem is that having self confidence is not as easy as flipping a switch. Oh, how I wish it were! My life would be so much simpler, easier, more exciting!! Alas, I am stuck with me. But I think I can work with that.

One great thing happened this week. Sometimes, that's all I can ask for! A wonderful and extremely talented woman asked me awhile ago to read the stage directions for a reading she was doing of her play. I immediately said yes, without hesitation - saying yes instead of saying no to life! I was flattered and so happy that she asked. Me. I have no idea if or how many people she asked before me, and I don't really care at this point. She thought of me and asked me. I was thrilled. As the date came closer to the rehearsal and the reading itself, I started to get nervous. I started doubting myself and my ability. To read words. Out loud. Silly, right? I know. I have a frackin' theatre degree. I have done enough shows to know that I can read words. Out loud. I can read a play, memorize lines, develop a character, make choices, and act out a scene. I can read a play and see it like a movie in my head. I can create a set, block scenes, make costume and lighting choices. But reading words - just stage directions! - with a script in front of me, in front of other people, started to freak me out. My goodness. I knew I was a mess, but I didn't think I was that big of a mess. Geez.

So, I decided to buck up. I started to read the play, then decided to not read it until the rehearsal. Yes, it started to freak me out. Fine. No problems to wait. Rehearsal time came and all went well. Fine. Everyone was a stranger except for my friend, but I didn't die. Then the reading. Let me tell you, the reading was in one of the most gorgeous apartments I have seen in some time. Beautiful views of New York City! I had a glass of wine and relaxed a little bit. Then the reading. We had a small but generous audience. And it went well! Again, I didn't die. No, I didn't change the world with my reading of the stage directions, but I did it. And I wasn't tongue tied. I feel pretty good about that.

Is that a glimmer? Maybe. Perhaps I won't be faking it for long.

Take A Chance On Me

I am taking a chance. I don't normally take chances. I go with the safe and secure option. No frills, no risks… no fun. I have missed out on many things by not taking a chance. Avoiding the risk. But I am trying to make that a thing of the past. I'm living in New York City! If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere, right? At least Sinatra says so. I am building on this "living in the moment" strategy. Saying yes instead of saying no. A lot easier said than done.

Since I've started this blog, I am seeing glimpses of the person I used to be and the person I want to be. I see her! It's just going to take time to wade through all of the crap that's in the way. All mental and emotional crap. It's funny how that piles up on you, just like the real deal. Do they have a show for emotional hoarders too? I would be on that in a heart beat.

So, I just signed up for a voice over training program that includes a demo. Yikes! This is completely out of my comfort zone and makes me nervous. Why? Because I have no real experience and have no connections. I am a terrible networker, but I'm doing it. With or without anyone's help. Because I'm going to take a chance on me.

Just ask ABBA.