Time Keeps Tickin' Away

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted. And it's not that I've been up to anything…definitive. Time consuming, perhaps, but not entirely enlightening. Christmas has come and gone, along with a blizzard that kept us in Indiana a bit longer than I wanted. I missed home and my dogs and my comfort! It was good to go back to visit family and friends, but it was even better to be home. Now, back to the task of figuring out what I am supposed to be doing…

Time waits for no man. Nor woman. Nor being. Tomorrow, I am 40. The big 4-0. Woah. Not that I mind turning 40 or the gray hairs that accompany it, but I am afraid this milestone is bringing no more clarity with it than the last few months have. Not that I have not found any. I have. Unfortunately, it's more disappointing than it is uplifting. Ah, well. At least I'm a little further along. 

I have realized that, perhaps, I am just meant to enjoy viewing and experiencing theatre as an audience member, not as a professional or as a profession. That's that. And it's not all bad. I LOVE theatre! I love going to a show and looking through the looking glass. The lives created, the breaths taken, the bricks layed are fascinating and captivating. I will forever long to dive in, but I will do so from my seat in the house. 

So what's next? Not sure. I am currently in an internship. With a theatre management/production company. Yes, this experience has certainly helped me come to my aforementioned conclusion. :) So, do I go back to school? Maybe. But for what? Do I dare continue to try the Arts? Photography, perhaps? Would I end up in the same boat as I am now? I don't know. I have to be okay with that. That is so hard for me! Living in the moment, experiencing the moment, yada yada yada. 

Perhaps I should be an importer/exporter. What do you think, George and Elaine?

If You Believe, Clap Your Hands!

By nature, I think we are all explorers in one form or another. We discover what we like what we don't like in food, art, work, and play. That is all based on our outer lives and based on the world around us with minor focus on our inner lives. Rarely or sporadically, however, do we explore our inner lives in detail. We shut that out. We exile ourselves from our own lives. Ooops.

Realizing that I have been short changing myself is a tough pill to swallow. Can't blame anyone else but me. I'm not sure that saying "yes" to everything now is the antithesis of that or even the right answer, but it may bear some clarity and provide a path out. Out to what? Clarity? Self sacrifice? Living lean and green? Oh, I wish I knew!

My latest "yes" is to an internship with a theatre management/production company. It's for six months, full time, with little pay. That's right, little pay - just a weekly stipend to offset travel/food expenses. But it will definitely aim to satisfy my art and work exploration. I have been missing that for quite some time. Still outwardly focused, but it does have a direct pipeline to my heart and inner spirit. That spirit is so small right now, I can barely see it! But it isn't dead yet. It's fluttering, wings beating, beginning to move around and lift its head a little.

So, it may not be the full-on inner exploration that I have been lacking, but it is a step closer. I'm saying yes to it. I'll take it and see where it leads.

If Ya Don't Got It, Fake It Until Ya Do!

If ya got it, flaunt it. Trouble is, I don't got it just yet. Self confidence, that is. It's a tricky thing, that self confidence. Some people have it and have no reason to have it; some have it oozing out of their pores for all of the right reasons. Still others struggle to grab it and hold on tight. I, of course, am currently of the latter. I had it at some point in my life, then I buried myself and lost it. As you all know by now, I am working on getting it back and living again. The problem is that having self confidence is not as easy as flipping a switch. Oh, how I wish it were! My life would be so much simpler, easier, more exciting!! Alas, I am stuck with me. But I think I can work with that.

One great thing happened this week. Sometimes, that's all I can ask for! A wonderful and extremely talented woman asked me awhile ago to read the stage directions for a reading she was doing of her play. I immediately said yes, without hesitation - saying yes instead of saying no to life! I was flattered and so happy that she asked. Me. I have no idea if or how many people she asked before me, and I don't really care at this point. She thought of me and asked me. I was thrilled. As the date came closer to the rehearsal and the reading itself, I started to get nervous. I started doubting myself and my ability. To read words. Out loud. Silly, right? I know. I have a frackin' theatre degree. I have done enough shows to know that I can read words. Out loud. I can read a play, memorize lines, develop a character, make choices, and act out a scene. I can read a play and see it like a movie in my head. I can create a set, block scenes, make costume and lighting choices. But reading words - just stage directions! - with a script in front of me, in front of other people, started to freak me out. My goodness. I knew I was a mess, but I didn't think I was that big of a mess. Geez.

So, I decided to buck up. I started to read the play, then decided to not read it until the rehearsal. Yes, it started to freak me out. Fine. No problems to wait. Rehearsal time came and all went well. Fine. Everyone was a stranger except for my friend, but I didn't die. Then the reading. Let me tell you, the reading was in one of the most gorgeous apartments I have seen in some time. Beautiful views of New York City! I had a glass of wine and relaxed a little bit. Then the reading. We had a small but generous audience. And it went well! Again, I didn't die. No, I didn't change the world with my reading of the stage directions, but I did it. And I wasn't tongue tied. I feel pretty good about that.

Is that a glimmer? Maybe. Perhaps I won't be faking it for long.