Me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama!

Today is a special day, a day to celebrate our mothers. Now, we all well know that mothers should be celebrated every day because of the job that they do, but I am taking this special day to share and celebrate my mother, Sara aka "Sally". I was going to get her a card, but I wanted more than just my mother to know how much I love and appreciate her. So, this is for you, Mama.

Born on March 28, Sally was one of three children, and the only daughter, of Hugh and Helen, in a small midwestern town. Raised in that same town, she met my father, Jack. They married and, despite troubles and alcoholism, had five children - four of which are my brother and sisters. When I was very young, the troubles became too great and the marriage ended. My mother was faced with the task of supporting five children on her own and raising us on her own. Thankfully, my grandfather took all of us in so my mother could work and support us. While it may not have been my mother's dream to move back in with her father with five kids in tow, she did it to give us a chance at a better life. Choice was not a factor; she did it  because she loved us, not because it was what she wanted to do for herself. I cannot imagine the feelings and emotions that went into this decision, how much of herself she had to swallow and sacrifice. For us.

Sally made it through all of our pre-teen and teenage years, as we all did despite our best efforts to go a little haywire. Lessons have been learned, some lessons are still being worked on, and I'm sure there are many many more down the road. She continued to work and care for an aging father who didn't always show appreciation for her efforts, and five kids who were screaming at, fighting with, laughing at, and loving and hating each other. It's a wonder she didn't kill any of us - I am sure, many times, she thought about it! :)

Now that we are all grown and on our own, my mother has been dealing with a life on her own. My grandfather died when I was a teenager and left her an inheritance that had sustained her well until the recession. She's taken a hit, but she is still a survivor, making it work. Sally wishes we were around more often. To help out around the house, yes, but also to share our lives together and continue laughing and loving. She continues to be there for us with support, the loving word, the harsh word when necessary, and always ALWAYS the open heart. She will always know what is best for us even when we don't listen. She will always love us unconditionally whether we are making a mistake or making a dream come true. We are still her children, and she will love us all well beyond when death separates us. I cannot imagine my life without her in my corner, always cheering me on.

Mama, you are the best mother for me and Tricia, Helen, DeeDee, and John. I love you with all my heart and soul. I appreciate you and what you have sacrificed for us. You are my Mama. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Just Another Statistic… But So Much More

Well, it's done. The divorce is final. Very bittersweet with a sense of relief. A relief for the finality of it. He moved on as soon as he could well before the final verdict - I've been completely replaced by a "friend". It doesn't help that I am finally expressing myself, and that is "inappropriate and detrimental to others". Yeah. Bullshit. Being replaced hurts, but it's a hurt that I will get over. Knowing that, in the long run, the best decision for that current situation was made. Cowardice or bravery, it doesn't matter. It's done. Breathe in the good air, and out with the bad air. In with the good, out with the bad. Ahhhhhh!

Focusing on the present and dreaming of the future is what I'm doing now. ALOT of dreaming! So much so that I'm pinching every single penny out of financial necessity to keep the spending down and increase the travel opportunities. It'll take a long time on my current salary, so I've been working on that, too. The down side to that is I'm not doing much. Walking around, okay. Watching movies, alright. staring at the ceiling, yawn… pretty boring, when you get right down to it. :) It is giving me quite a bit of time to think and continue to work on myself, interruption free. But even I get sick of myself after awhile. As interesting as I think I am, I'm really not all that interesting. Even I stop laughing at my jokes!

So, I will probably break out the camera and venture out over the weekend. I haven't done that in a very long time. I haven't felt like it. I always felt like I was being pushed into doing things for the impression it would make on others. That's tarnished many things for me, but I need to start taking all of that back to have more joy again. So, the camera battery will be charged for Saturday/Sunday excursions. Where? No idea. Maybe I'll hop on the train to Brooklyn and get off wherever I feel like it. Flushing Meadows Park? Chinatown? Bronx Zoo? Botanical Gardens in Queens? Hmmmmm….

Any suggestions? Wanna come with?

A Coddler No More!

We are stronger than we know. It’s our strength that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other as we continue to search for that something that everyone else seems to have so easily. And we keep trying. And trying. And trying. To share, to live, to laugh and love. To do that, we must communicate. 

Now, I am not the best communicator. Yes, I see you nodding your head and I hear you saying, “No shit! I’ve been telling you that for years!”. Yeah, thanks. Luckily, I am not alone. I can look to my right and to my left, and I can see people struggling to communicate. To express and share without fear of being ridiculed, talked down to, or told we are wrong. Everyone loves to judge, but we all hate to be judged. Ironic, isn’t it? The truth is, we are all terrible communicators. See that? I’m judging. :) But I promise, I have a point. 

Even those who say they are an open book are terrible communicators. Why? Because we don’t speak the same language. And I’m not talking about English, Spanish, or French here. I’m talking about tone, word choice, inflection, patience, understanding, and care. So often we fail to give each other that safety net of unconditional love, support, and acceptance as we express ourselves in our own ways. We let our own judgments cloud and interpret what we are hearing and not hearing. We put so much of ourselves on the other person that we forget to let them be themselves, that we force them to cater to our needs.

I have been a coddler for years. A coddler to tow an even line, to make life easier for some of those around me, so they would feel better about themselves. I stopped being honest and expressing myself as I need to in order to open up and be free. I did so to try to protect someone else. Did it work? Of course not! In coddling them, I ended up coddling myself. Giving myself the out for various reasons in many situations. In protecting them from “the unacceptable me”, I in essence put up a protective barrier around myself. It was a barrier of brick and mortar, steel and stone. Inpenetrable once it became so thick, to those trying to get in, and to me trying to get out.

Now, I am in a position where I am no longer bound to that coddling. You could say that I’ve taken a vow of non-coddling from now on. And instead of being silent, I am going to speak up and be heard. It’s better for both sides, even if speaking up hurts some feelings for awhile. Hurt feelings fade, and logic comes in to reason it out. It’s just getting to that point, and no longer giving myself the out.

Coddling, you're my bitch now!

Depression, meet my fist.

Depression. It's a bitch. I've dealt with it for years without even realizing I was dealing with it. And, trust me, I didn't deal with it all that well. At all. It affects nearly everyone, but we are so ashamed to admit it because it may be viewed as a weakness. I no longer care, and neither should you. I have been dealing with depression for YEARS. It has colored my world view and taken part in my decisions - even taking many decisions away from me.

Depression is an emotional, psychological, and chemically imbalanced monster that is so insidious, you don't realize it's there most of the time. It hides itself in overeating, oversleeping, overreacting, anger, lethargy, fear, and insecurity. Depression makes you feel so out of control that you grab on to the littlest things to "over-control". It shames you into keeping it to yourself so it can continue to eat away at you. Depression wants you to be alone. It wants you to push away loved ones who are concerned because it doesn't want you to hear what they have to say to help you. Depression colors concerned words into judgment of your self worth. It's a beast!

A dear friend just realized she has been dealing with depression for years. It has affected her relationships, just as it has mine. I want to let her know that she is not alone. She doesn't have to hide. I will not judge. Those who love her, if they truly understand (and explanation with questions, while uncomfortable, will lead to understanding), will not judge. The support is there. You, my dear, are not alone and valued greatly.  You can now be calm and take the time needed to find your footing and your true self. To find the joy in the little things and laugh. This is about you; if a partner or loved one cannot handle it, then let them fall by the wayside for now because they will only pull you back in to the depression. Absolutely, it will hurt like hell. But you have the strength to do this and whatever may happen so you can get back to you. Depression is no longer a death sentence! Just take it one hug at a time.

Hugs are so underrated!

All That Glitters...

A spark came back today when I found these shoes:

That's right. A pair of glitter Oxfords. I saw them and wasn't sure about them. But I still decided to try them on. When I did, I giggled. Yes, giggled. I love them! Sure, they may be trendy and a fad that I won't be able to wear for long, but they brightened my day! So I got them.

Only in New York City, friends.

I'm giggling again. Literally and metaphorically. Giggling! Weeeee!!!

Get along, little doggy...

Traveling. That is one thing that I have not done, that I've always said no to, because I was/still am afraid of flying. It's the height that terrifies me. As well as the crashing factor. It absolutely boggles my mind that people willingly pay money to fly in a bullet with wings that could just drop out of the sky. It's like finding out that someone who says, "I'm on your side!", then they run away from you. Insane!

HOWEVER, I am gaining new perspective. I am feeling freer than I have in a really long time. I am feeling freer to be myself, to do what I want. I don't have the pressure of doing something to impress someone. If I do something or don't do something, it is my choice and no one else's business. Nice! I am choosing to do what I want to do, and not to satisfy someone else. Constraints are gone, my yes is coming back, and I'm starting to feel adventurous. I have nothing holding me back. I'm a free bird!

So, I am saving my pennies and deciding where all I want to go. So many possibilities! I would rather avoid the tourist traps, because I don't care if I am seen or not. The Caribbean? Nice, but everyone goes there. That's a place to be seen. But that could be a nice, short trip. How about a longer one? Sweden? Mother Russia? Iceland to see the Northern Lights? Thailand? Berlin? Northern Canada even?

The thing is, I don't want to go just to go. I want to go with a purpose. Even if that purpose is to meditate and reflect on my life. To live in someone else's shoes for a day. To explore and confirm that there is more to life than impressing and coddling and being likable. So, where to?

I like that.