Laundry Day

Laundry. Ugh. No matter how often we do it, there's more that needs to be done. It's a never ending cycle! The dirty needs to be washed clean and made new again. So we do it, whether we want to or not. Then we turn around, strip down, and start a new pile of dirty. Do you see where I'm going with this? Let's see...

Just like laundry, life is in a never ending cycle of learning, growing, and stretching until the day we die. I've ignored parts of the cycle for quite some time, suffered through others, and enjoyed a few. It's time to examine them all. I have to take my dirty and wash it to make it new again. Just because it's dirty doesn't mean that we just throw it out! Stains get added over time, the color fades, and the fabric stretches and loses its shape. But it's still wearable and could ultimately be made into something new. We just need to use our imagination or change our view of that shirt. Those shorts. That jacket. 

I've always viewed my shirt, my shorts, my jacket, as a cover up. To hide something that shouldn't be seen. To protect what is beneath it. What if I used them to accent what is already there? To bring it out to breathe at last? No, I'm not talking about stripping down to become an exhibitionist. Not my personality! I'm just talking about using what your parents gave you, in a sense, and moving forward with that. I can't change who I am, how I was molded, my past experiences that influence my future, but I can grow with all of it over time and learn to love it all. I just can't ignore the laundry, stains and all. I should not throw it out because it's old, worn, and faded, but add to it with the new to create something special. Because I deserve that. We all do.

It does no good to ignore the laundry. It just piles up on us and overwhelms us. I need to start digging out from underneath my pile. And add to it. Glorify and revel in it!

Wash. Spin. Repeat.

Apology Overload

The older I've gotten, the more I seem to say it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I missed your call. I'm sorry I didn't give you the remote when I left the room. I'm sorry I'm taking up space on the sidewalk that you clearly own. I'm sorry you waited so long to buy tickets so that now, the event is sold out. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I have become the I'm Sorry Robot. The response is automatic and on permanent repeat.

You see, we as women are taught that it is our nature to be kind, gentle, giving, and caring. But when did I let that erase me, who I am? When did I let I'm sorry dominate what I wanted, what I dreamed of for myself? You may not like my decision, so do I need to apologize for that? And apologize for what - for making a decision, or that you aren't happy with my decision? I used to have somewhat of a crust on me, but that's all gone so that the gooey mess on the inside is all that's left. And I'm swimming in that gooey mess, getting sucked down into it just like Princess Buttercup gets sucked into the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. But I don't have Westley to save me. I don't need or want Westley to save me. I am not going to apologize for that. Anymore.

Is it ever appropriate to say I'm sorry? Sure. I am sorry I hurt your feelings. I am sorry I made a decision that completely changes what you thought the rest of your life would look like. I am so sorry for your loss. Completely appropriate and truly heartfelt. Forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste? Um, no. Going for a walk instead of doing the laundry? Nope. Writing a blog to try to get out what's in my head and express how I feel? No way.

So stop saying I'm sorry. For one day. Think it's easy? Go ahead, try it. I triple dog dare you. Let me know how you do, and I'll let you know how I do. And I am not sorry for the breach in etiquette!

Ready. Set. Go!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

...or so they say.

Photography is one of the things that I am trying right now...for the moment. I have so much to learn about photography, even after this class I am currently taking. It parallels my own learning curve with myself.  Photography is so technical yet so artistic and beautiful. You can control so many elements in a picture but so much is out of your control. Capturing the moment seems so easy - you just point your camera at an object or a scene and push a button. But then the end result may not be what you expected it to be at all. It can be dull, flat, stoic, glossy-eyed even. Or it can be magical, expressive, shocking, honest. 

A great friend of mine once said that my pictures are really good, and that may be because while I continue to look ahead and search for what's coming, I'm capturing the moment I'm in. Because I tend to ignore today and try to find out what's coming tomorrow. Living in the moment has never been something I was remotely good at doing. Is it because I've never recognized the moment? Or because I didn't like the moment? Sometimes, I will go through a day and do so many things I hate doing, but I do them because they have to get or be done. I think to myself, "Okay. Do this today. Tomorrow will be different." But tomorrow was never really different because I never changed how I approached tomorrow. So I ended up with days, months, and years of "Okay. Do this today. Tomorrow will be different." I am starting to recognize that it's not the tomorrow that will be different. It is the today that I need to make different.

So, here's to living in the moment! And capturing the moment. And LIKING the moment. Okay, so it's not going to happen all at once - or every day - but I'll get there. Eventually. The opportunity is presenting itself in disguise, amid turmoil, change, and uncertainty. But it's there. I just have to grab it and not let go. 

So, Sunday - Halloween! - is my last photography class, and we are having an exhibit. Each student exhibits six pictures centered around a theme of our own choosing, something that we have been working on since the first class. Now, I have struggled with what my theme was going to be. I thought about steps, doors, windows. Water, food, subway stations. Nothing was working. I would choose a theme, then not be able to capture what I envisioned. But I eventually found something. And it was there from the beginning. My theme?

Escapes. Fire Escapes.

From Indianapolis to New York City

How do I begin? My blog/my day?/my life? My world has changed since we moved from Indianapolis to New York City five months ago.  I've left behind all that is familiar. Comfortable. Safe. Sure, we brought all of our "stuff" with us, and we've vacationed in the City so many times before, but this is different. Now, perhaps for the first time, I am noticing how little of me there is in my life. I've covered it up with working and school and... but now that I'm in a new city, the Big Apple, and I have free time, the covers won't stay on. I am face to face with the fact that it's make or break time. Who am I? What do I want to be? What can I contribute? Hmmmmm...

It's hard for some to understand, I know. Most people just dive in and say, "Okay. This is where I am, so this is what I'm going to do." But my mind is swimming. For the first time in a long time, I don't have a clear path. I have so many things I want to try, but I am unsure of how to try. Doubt and fear and insecurity are obscuring it all. And it's because what I want to try is not the safe, stable route. I've always gone for the safe and stable. I think about going for that again, and I feel like sobbing.

So, this is the beginning of my journey. Of my journey of self-exploration, of trying something new, and forgetting about the safe and secure option. So what, I say, to what others think. So what, I say, to the doubt and insecurity. So what, I say, to the fear that is holding me back.

No more. It may not be your timing, but this is my time. And it's going to take as long as it takes.

Step one: check.