Depression, meet my fist.

Depression. It's a bitch. I've dealt with it for years without even realizing I was dealing with it. And, trust me, I didn't deal with it all that well. At all. It affects nearly everyone, but we are so ashamed to admit it because it may be viewed as a weakness. I no longer care, and neither should you. I have been dealing with depression for YEARS. It has colored my world view and taken part in my decisions - even taking many decisions away from me.

Depression is an emotional, psychological, and chemically imbalanced monster that is so insidious, you don't realize it's there most of the time. It hides itself in overeating, oversleeping, overreacting, anger, lethargy, fear, and insecurity. Depression makes you feel so out of control that you grab on to the littlest things to "over-control". It shames you into keeping it to yourself so it can continue to eat away at you. Depression wants you to be alone. It wants you to push away loved ones who are concerned because it doesn't want you to hear what they have to say to help you. Depression colors concerned words into judgment of your self worth. It's a beast!

A dear friend just realized she has been dealing with depression for years. It has affected her relationships, just as it has mine. I want to let her know that she is not alone. She doesn't have to hide. I will not judge. Those who love her, if they truly understand (and explanation with questions, while uncomfortable, will lead to understanding), will not judge. The support is there. You, my dear, are not alone and valued greatly.  You can now be calm and take the time needed to find your footing and your true self. To find the joy in the little things and laugh. This is about you; if a partner or loved one cannot handle it, then let them fall by the wayside for now because they will only pull you back in to the depression. Absolutely, it will hurt like hell. But you have the strength to do this and whatever may happen so you can get back to you. Depression is no longer a death sentence! Just take it one hug at a time.

Hugs are so underrated!

All That Glitters...

A spark came back today when I found these shoes:

That's right. A pair of glitter Oxfords. I saw them and wasn't sure about them. But I still decided to try them on. When I did, I giggled. Yes, giggled. I love them! Sure, they may be trendy and a fad that I won't be able to wear for long, but they brightened my day! So I got them.

Only in New York City, friends.

I'm giggling again. Literally and metaphorically. Giggling! Weeeee!!!

Get along, little doggy...

Traveling. That is one thing that I have not done, that I've always said no to, because I was/still am afraid of flying. It's the height that terrifies me. As well as the crashing factor. It absolutely boggles my mind that people willingly pay money to fly in a bullet with wings that could just drop out of the sky. It's like finding out that someone who says, "I'm on your side!", then they run away from you. Insane!

HOWEVER, I am gaining new perspective. I am feeling freer than I have in a really long time. I am feeling freer to be myself, to do what I want. I don't have the pressure of doing something to impress someone. If I do something or don't do something, it is my choice and no one else's business. Nice! I am choosing to do what I want to do, and not to satisfy someone else. Constraints are gone, my yes is coming back, and I'm starting to feel adventurous. I have nothing holding me back. I'm a free bird!

So, I am saving my pennies and deciding where all I want to go. So many possibilities! I would rather avoid the tourist traps, because I don't care if I am seen or not. The Caribbean? Nice, but everyone goes there. That's a place to be seen. But that could be a nice, short trip. How about a longer one? Sweden? Mother Russia? Iceland to see the Northern Lights? Thailand? Berlin? Northern Canada even?

The thing is, I don't want to go just to go. I want to go with a purpose. Even if that purpose is to meditate and reflect on my life. To live in someone else's shoes for a day. To explore and confirm that there is more to life than impressing and coddling and being likable. So, where to?

I like that. 

Dreams

I had an incredible dream last night. It's not often that I have a dream that leaves such an impression on me as this one did…

I dreamt that I was naked, swimming through the streets of New York City. I was deliciously curvy and deliriously happy. When I got out of the water and stepped onto the sidewalk, I was no longer in New York City, but I was in a place that was home. The sun was bright and shining, the sky was clear blue with tufts of beautiful white clouds - just like heaps of cotton balls - and the air was warm and cool at the same time. I was in a city with new and old buildings. There was incredibly green grass, young as well as mature trees in full beauty, and stunning flowers all around. As I walked home, feeling my nakedness, the landscape was sometimes flat, sometimes hilly. No one noticed my nakedness, all just smiled warmly at me as I passed by. I felt welcomed and accepted for the first time. Fred Thompson walked for a short while in front of me, as if he were there to lead me home if I needed it.

Awesome dream.

Once

There are moments in life when your vision changes. These can be big moments or little moments. It can be a large shift or just a small one. I suppose it depends on how important it is that you see it happening. My biggest changes have happened in the smallest, most intimate moments for me. No, not in the bedroom. For me, they have happened when I have been witnessing a true and achingly beautiful moment on the stage. And it's typically through a tragically beautiful character in a tragically beautiful moment. Last night, I experienced one of these moments as I witnessed Once unfold onstage.

This story, through its emotionality and soul connection, touched me deeply through self recognition, awareness, and longing. Two people experienced and shared in five days the emotional connection most of us long for throughout our lives. There was not groping, panting, or fucking. It was just two people who, through the course of a week, emotionally changed each other's lives. For the better? I don't know, possibly. They came out wiser and with a more open heart. They came out with a desire to live and the courage to move forward.

I came out with a desire to live and move forward. To stop wasting time. To know that human connection is worth it in the face of the pain and heartache that it can bring. That opening yourself up is opening up your world. Don't sell yourself short. Believe in yourself and pull yourself up by your boot straps. Face it. Live it. Love.

With the right and unexpected connections, it's totally worth it. Scary, but totally worth it.

Day 1.

Infatuation

Infatuation. Many confuse this word with love. It is not love for another person. Infatuation is the love of an idea, not reality. It is conditional; it is not lasting. Infatuation is my "love" for Hugh Jackman and Chrstian Bale. It is not based in reality.

Saying you've been infatuated with someone for years is not a compliment. Not really. Saying "I love your work!" is a compliment. "You're a great actor!" is a compliment. Saying you're infatuated with someone just means "I love the idea of you.". It's like, "I'm your biggest fan! But why did you drive drunk? I would NEVER do that. Why would you go out with that guy? I don't approve of him. Why would you watch that TV show? I hate that show." It's having the idea of someone else but not allowing reality and humanity to be included in that idea.

When you realize that someone you love has been infatuated with you, some things start to make sense. Like, it doesn't matter how much of yourself you gave up to try to make the other person happy, because it never would have worked. While someone may be in love with the idea of you as strong, they cannot handle that in reality. They may praise you for being outspoken but hate it when you speak up and voice your opinion when you contradict them. They love your independence but then shame you because you won't go to them to show your vulnerability; when you do show your vulnerability and show that you need someone, they are aghast. It ends up being a catch 22. 

Finding someone who truly loves you unconditionally is tough. My mother loves me unconditionally. It won't keep my bed warm at night, but it will certainly keep my heart warm. I may never find a man who loves me unconditionally for all of my strengths and all of my flaws. It certainly isn't what I need to survive. I'll keep living. In New York City for now, but who knows what my future will bring? I don't.

But it sure would be nice to have a warm bed... 

Acknowledge!

Self reflection. Many loathe those words! Many fear those words. Many avoid those words at all cost. It's never pretty when the blame game meets self justification. My response?

Shut the fuck up. Listen. Stop going to your yes men - or women - for your sympathy and self justification. When you go to others for your answers instead of focusing on the truth from within, the answers you get are wrong. Flip your switch from pouty child to responsible adult and accept your part. No one person is to blame. Playing the blame game gets you nowhere because there are two sides to everything. It's time to pull up your big boy or girl panties and acknowledge that.

Acknowledge silence.

Acknowledge truth.

Acknowledge self value and self worth.

Acknowledge value in others instead of making them feel "less than" due to your perception of their flaws.

Acknowledge and accept imperfection in yourself and others.

The path to emotional freedom and well being is not through others but through yourself. No one can make you happy because of what they can do for you. Only you can make you happy with what you can do for yourself. Stop looking to the outside for your happiness. That's just noise and distraction and temporary. Find it from within what resides in us all.

And no, I'm not reading a bunch of self help books. I am reading, but I'm not following someone else's "10 Steps to Happiness!". It is true self reflection. This is about me. You think it's about you? Why? Does something strike a chord or nerve and force a reaction from you? Okay. Then it's about you, too.

I'm gonna let that stew for awhile. Marinate. Infuse and spread.