Infatuation

Infatuation. Many confuse this word with love. It is not love for another person. Infatuation is the love of an idea, not reality. It is conditional; it is not lasting. Infatuation is my "love" for Hugh Jackman and Chrstian Bale. It is not based in reality.

Saying you've been infatuated with someone for years is not a compliment. Not really. Saying "I love your work!" is a compliment. "You're a great actor!" is a compliment. Saying you're infatuated with someone just means "I love the idea of you.". It's like, "I'm your biggest fan! But why did you drive drunk? I would NEVER do that. Why would you go out with that guy? I don't approve of him. Why would you watch that TV show? I hate that show." It's having the idea of someone else but not allowing reality and humanity to be included in that idea.

When you realize that someone you love has been infatuated with you, some things start to make sense. Like, it doesn't matter how much of yourself you gave up to try to make the other person happy, because it never would have worked. While someone may be in love with the idea of you as strong, they cannot handle that in reality. They may praise you for being outspoken but hate it when you speak up and voice your opinion when you contradict them. They love your independence but then shame you because you won't go to them to show your vulnerability; when you do show your vulnerability and show that you need someone, they are aghast. It ends up being a catch 22. 

Finding someone who truly loves you unconditionally is tough. My mother loves me unconditionally. It won't keep my bed warm at night, but it will certainly keep my heart warm. I may never find a man who loves me unconditionally for all of my strengths and all of my flaws. It certainly isn't what I need to survive. I'll keep living. In New York City for now, but who knows what my future will bring? I don't.

But it sure would be nice to have a warm bed...