Time Keeps Tickin' Away

Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted. And it's not that I've been up to anything…definitive. Time consuming, perhaps, but not entirely enlightening. Christmas has come and gone, along with a blizzard that kept us in Indiana a bit longer than I wanted. I missed home and my dogs and my comfort! It was good to go back to visit family and friends, but it was even better to be home. Now, back to the task of figuring out what I am supposed to be doing…

Time waits for no man. Nor woman. Nor being. Tomorrow, I am 40. The big 4-0. Woah. Not that I mind turning 40 or the gray hairs that accompany it, but I am afraid this milestone is bringing no more clarity with it than the last few months have. Not that I have not found any. I have. Unfortunately, it's more disappointing than it is uplifting. Ah, well. At least I'm a little further along. 

I have realized that, perhaps, I am just meant to enjoy viewing and experiencing theatre as an audience member, not as a professional or as a profession. That's that. And it's not all bad. I LOVE theatre! I love going to a show and looking through the looking glass. The lives created, the breaths taken, the bricks layed are fascinating and captivating. I will forever long to dive in, but I will do so from my seat in the house. 

So what's next? Not sure. I am currently in an internship. With a theatre management/production company. Yes, this experience has certainly helped me come to my aforementioned conclusion. :) So, do I go back to school? Maybe. But for what? Do I dare continue to try the Arts? Photography, perhaps? Would I end up in the same boat as I am now? I don't know. I have to be okay with that. That is so hard for me! Living in the moment, experiencing the moment, yada yada yada. 

Perhaps I should be an importer/exporter. What do you think, George and Elaine?

If You Believe, Clap Your Hands!

By nature, I think we are all explorers in one form or another. We discover what we like what we don't like in food, art, work, and play. That is all based on our outer lives and based on the world around us with minor focus on our inner lives. Rarely or sporadically, however, do we explore our inner lives in detail. We shut that out. We exile ourselves from our own lives. Ooops.

Realizing that I have been short changing myself is a tough pill to swallow. Can't blame anyone else but me. I'm not sure that saying "yes" to everything now is the antithesis of that or even the right answer, but it may bear some clarity and provide a path out. Out to what? Clarity? Self sacrifice? Living lean and green? Oh, I wish I knew!

My latest "yes" is to an internship with a theatre management/production company. It's for six months, full time, with little pay. That's right, little pay - just a weekly stipend to offset travel/food expenses. But it will definitely aim to satisfy my art and work exploration. I have been missing that for quite some time. Still outwardly focused, but it does have a direct pipeline to my heart and inner spirit. That spirit is so small right now, I can barely see it! But it isn't dead yet. It's fluttering, wings beating, beginning to move around and lift its head a little.

So, it may not be the full-on inner exploration that I have been lacking, but it is a step closer. I'm saying yes to it. I'll take it and see where it leads.