If Ya Don't Got It, Fake It Until Ya Do!

If ya got it, flaunt it. Trouble is, I don't got it just yet. Self confidence, that is. It's a tricky thing, that self confidence. Some people have it and have no reason to have it; some have it oozing out of their pores for all of the right reasons. Still others struggle to grab it and hold on tight. I, of course, am currently of the latter. I had it at some point in my life, then I buried myself and lost it. As you all know by now, I am working on getting it back and living again. The problem is that having self confidence is not as easy as flipping a switch. Oh, how I wish it were! My life would be so much simpler, easier, more exciting!! Alas, I am stuck with me. But I think I can work with that.

One great thing happened this week. Sometimes, that's all I can ask for! A wonderful and extremely talented woman asked me awhile ago to read the stage directions for a reading she was doing of her play. I immediately said yes, without hesitation - saying yes instead of saying no to life! I was flattered and so happy that she asked. Me. I have no idea if or how many people she asked before me, and I don't really care at this point. She thought of me and asked me. I was thrilled. As the date came closer to the rehearsal and the reading itself, I started to get nervous. I started doubting myself and my ability. To read words. Out loud. Silly, right? I know. I have a frackin' theatre degree. I have done enough shows to know that I can read words. Out loud. I can read a play, memorize lines, develop a character, make choices, and act out a scene. I can read a play and see it like a movie in my head. I can create a set, block scenes, make costume and lighting choices. But reading words - just stage directions! - with a script in front of me, in front of other people, started to freak me out. My goodness. I knew I was a mess, but I didn't think I was that big of a mess. Geez.

So, I decided to buck up. I started to read the play, then decided to not read it until the rehearsal. Yes, it started to freak me out. Fine. No problems to wait. Rehearsal time came and all went well. Fine. Everyone was a stranger except for my friend, but I didn't die. Then the reading. Let me tell you, the reading was in one of the most gorgeous apartments I have seen in some time. Beautiful views of New York City! I had a glass of wine and relaxed a little bit. Then the reading. We had a small but generous audience. And it went well! Again, I didn't die. No, I didn't change the world with my reading of the stage directions, but I did it. And I wasn't tongue tied. I feel pretty good about that.

Is that a glimmer? Maybe. Perhaps I won't be faking it for long.