Most of my life, I have felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I have been able to cover this up semi-successfully and ignore it. Have you ever seen Square Pegs? Lauren Hutchinson - that's me most of the time, past and present. While I had friends growing up, I was never part of the popular crowd or cool kids. I struggle(d) with my weight and the social scene. Unlike Lauren, I'm not sure I wanted to be part of the popular crowd (who am I kidding? I thought we were the popular crowd!), but I did want to be liked. I was more...what? Angst ridden? Fight-for-the-global-cause minded? Awkwardly-and-not-always right outspoken? I didn't let that stop me then; I'm not sure anymore. High school was so long ago! Yet I still feel like I'm 15 most days. I lack any kind of self-confidence I may have had at 15; either that, or I've realized that my 15 year old self was wrong, so wrong.
The older I've become, the more of a wall flower I've turned into. I still gnash my teeth, but I do it on the inside now instead of letting other people see it. I am socially awkward talking to anyone, one on one, who I don't know or know well. I have a terrible time making friends; I mostly make just friendly acquaintances. I am a homebody. Once I am home and in my jammies, it is nearly impossible to get me to go back out. I am comfy, can't you see that? I am boring. It allows me to hide. To not put myself out there to be judged by the popular crowd, or any one for that matter. Where has that gotten me exactly? Since moving to New York City and having so much time on my hands, I have no choice but to try to answer that question. If I don't, I am squandering my opportunities. So, here it goes:
I am a square. I have been in hiding. My yeses have turned into nos. While my life has not been horrible - it's been moving along - I don't have much to show for it. Sure, I went back and graduated college. With a theatre degree. One of the most useless degrees one could get. Not that I'm not glad I have it. I am! I am just not in that place any more. And, looking back, college was just another Square Pegs moment for me. I thought I tried to make things happen, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or I tried for the wrong things. Or it just was not meant to be. Theatre and friends were really just friendly acquaintances whose cliques were already full.
I need to turn this ship around, to turn a no into a yes. I am almost 40, and I need to do something now. My interests are changing, evolving, and growing, so I need to put myself out there and try again. I'm interested in photography. Voice over work. I'm writing. These are things I have never tried before. And I may not be any good at some of it, but I can't let that keep stopping me from trying. I do have talent. I just need to find it.
See? Putting myself out there again! This time, I care less what the popular kids think. And I don't care if I'm not in their clique.
Mostly.
I am a square. I have been in hiding. My yeses have turned into nos. While my life has not been horrible - it's been moving along - I don't have much to show for it. Sure, I went back and graduated college. With a theatre degree. One of the most useless degrees one could get. Not that I'm not glad I have it. I am! I am just not in that place any more. And, looking back, college was just another Square Pegs moment for me. I thought I tried to make things happen, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or I tried for the wrong things. Or it just was not meant to be. Theatre and friends were really just friendly acquaintances whose cliques were already full.
I need to turn this ship around, to turn a no into a yes. I am almost 40, and I need to do something now. My interests are changing, evolving, and growing, so I need to put myself out there and try again. I'm interested in photography. Voice over work. I'm writing. These are things I have never tried before. And I may not be any good at some of it, but I can't let that keep stopping me from trying. I do have talent. I just need to find it.
See? Putting myself out there again! This time, I care less what the popular kids think. And I don't care if I'm not in their clique.
Mostly.
I've read all that you've written and see the progression. Different books I've read say things like, "embrace your shadow side" or "make friends with your dark side so you can enjoy the light" or "invite your suffering to tea, make friends with it and be comfortable with it so you can enjoy true freedom." I think all of us are looking in different places and ways to find that true inner freedom that allows us to "Dance With Life" a book I am currently reading with a study group. So, Cris, keep going and don't stop looking into yourself. Dance lessons that take us into ourselves are not easy and they are unique to each of us. Thanks for the beautiful writing and taking us with you as you dance through your life and ours...baf
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's all sloshing around in my head right now. I'll check out the book. And I'll need to buy some tea... :) Can't wait to see you!
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