It is always interesting to ride the subway in New York City. There are certainly other adjectives to use when describing the subway, but I will go with interesting today. I can easily encounter 50 people during a ride down to Midtown, but I never really see them. That's because we are all either a) "sleeping", b) "playing" on our electronic devices, c) "reading" the posters around the subway car, or d) giving up the sham altogether and just looking down at our hands in our laps to avoid any sort of eye contact. I am guilty of b through d. Of course, we can all use the excuse that we don't want to deal with all of the crazies that are around. Mental health is an issue here! But when walking, I find myself looking at the ground. When waiting, I find myself looking at my lap. Not making eye contact with anyone if I can help it. Disengaging from the life that is going on around me. Yet still aware of it all.
I remember the moment I became self aware as a child. I was perhaps 7 or so, and I was walking home after playing with a friend. It was a beautiful and warm day - sun shining, birds chirping, the whole cliche. I realized I was smiling. Why was I smiling? I couldn't think of an answer. I stopped smiling. It was a strange moment for me. I wonder now, was I a happy child? Or was that the beginning of making conscious choices of who I was and who I was to become? Was that the beginning of the angst and teeth gnashing? I wonder. I don't remember much of my childhood - a little of my parents' divorce and a fight, a few visits with my father, a slumber party for my birthday (trying to stay up late by eating M&Ms and drinking Pepsi!), my grandpa - but I do distinctly remember that moment. It's funny what sticks with you and what fades. That may have been the moment, too, that self confidence, or the lack thereof, may have been born.
Life is scary. Aside from a few moments in my adult life, I have been hiding from it. An old friend of mine has said that he sees that child version of himself when life gets scary. He chooses to act bravely for him. I think that is what I am trying to do now. To be brave for my 7 year old self. To comfort her and tell her that it will be okay, that she can do this. Whatever this is.
So, I am starting to say yes to life more. I said yes to a Red Bulls game tonight. I said yes to a voice over workshop this weekend. And I said yes to my photography class that resulted in a photo exhibit on Halloween, and the Village Halloween parade that followed. That exhibit was really important for me. For nearly two hours, I was there alone with my 7 year old self standing next to me. I fought being a wall flower. I walked around and looked at all of the wonderful pictures, chatted with some of my fellow students, and acted like a chatterbox hopped up on caffeine when trying to talk with my instructor. Poor Kathy! But I did it. I was brave for her. And at the end of the exhibit, at least one person really liked my photographs. I'll take it!
So I am going to challenge myself. Make eye contact today. Smile. And let the crazies fall where they may.
I remember the moment I became self aware as a child. I was perhaps 7 or so, and I was walking home after playing with a friend. It was a beautiful and warm day - sun shining, birds chirping, the whole cliche. I realized I was smiling. Why was I smiling? I couldn't think of an answer. I stopped smiling. It was a strange moment for me. I wonder now, was I a happy child? Or was that the beginning of making conscious choices of who I was and who I was to become? Was that the beginning of the angst and teeth gnashing? I wonder. I don't remember much of my childhood - a little of my parents' divorce and a fight, a few visits with my father, a slumber party for my birthday (trying to stay up late by eating M&Ms and drinking Pepsi!), my grandpa - but I do distinctly remember that moment. It's funny what sticks with you and what fades. That may have been the moment, too, that self confidence, or the lack thereof, may have been born.
Life is scary. Aside from a few moments in my adult life, I have been hiding from it. An old friend of mine has said that he sees that child version of himself when life gets scary. He chooses to act bravely for him. I think that is what I am trying to do now. To be brave for my 7 year old self. To comfort her and tell her that it will be okay, that she can do this. Whatever this is.
So, I am starting to say yes to life more. I said yes to a Red Bulls game tonight. I said yes to a voice over workshop this weekend. And I said yes to my photography class that resulted in a photo exhibit on Halloween, and the Village Halloween parade that followed. That exhibit was really important for me. For nearly two hours, I was there alone with my 7 year old self standing next to me. I fought being a wall flower. I walked around and looked at all of the wonderful pictures, chatted with some of my fellow students, and acted like a chatterbox hopped up on caffeine when trying to talk with my instructor. Poor Kathy! But I did it. I was brave for her. And at the end of the exhibit, at least one person really liked my photographs. I'll take it!
So I am going to challenge myself. Make eye contact today. Smile. And let the crazies fall where they may.
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