I'm Mister Snow Miser...

Another holiday has come and gone. It was a great time with family and friends as we traveled back home to Indiana to make the rounds and spread the love. The plan was to travel to the midwest by train, stay a week, then hitch a ride with my father-in-law back to New York City. The best laid plans do not always work out as one hopes. The goal is to remain flexible and enjoy the ride, however it turns out. Truer words were never spoken!

We left Manhattan on Monday afternoon. After taking our dogs to the dog sitter, we headed to the train station. So exciting to take a train for once and not have to drive! And no, I do not fly at this time, much to my husband's angst and frustration. A paperweight suspended in the air? No strings attached? No net? No thanks. We usually drive, but we quickly learned that we did not need a car in the City so it was sold within three weeks of the move. The train it is! It ended up being a nice, relaxing trip. While the train was full, it was quiet and calming. The gentle swaying of the car was relaxing. The hum of the rails beneath the train was soothing. The assurance that we weren't going to miss the next exit or highway change was a breath of fresh air! We arrived in Indiana ready for the week that was to come. And what a week it was!

We hit the ground running as soon as the train dropped us off. And we had a blast! Drinks and a movie with theatre friends, dinners with old and dear friends, and quality time with family made it all worth while. And a video skype with my nephew in Iraq. Priceless. Six months shy of 21 years old, and he is working towards ending a war. No matter your opinion of what is gong on in Iraq, I could not be more proud of my nephew.

Then, as we were looking forward to heading back home to NYC tomorrow, Mother Nature dropped by for a visit with the Snow Miser. We were surprised the two had not been around yet, but perhaps they were waiting for us to leave so they could surprise us. And are they doing a number on the City! So far, it is 10.5" and counting. Needless to say, we will not be able to travel home on Monday. This makes me very sad. I am ready to be home.

Home. New York City feels like home now, just after six months. That is a wonderful feeling! My heart is longing to be back in the City. To pick up my dogs. To experience the beauty in this beast of a snow storm. To watch our neighborhood wake up like a sleepy little hamlet and see the supers become busy bees making channels in the snow. To watch my dogs romp and play in the snow, to snap at it like it's a new toy, to burrow their heads deep down in search of something hidden below the surface, and to taste the cold flakes on their tongues. 

Alas, we are in Indiana for at least one more day. We will make the most of it, I'm sure. Perhaps seeing family again. Or perhaps sleeping in and catching up on some old movies. Drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cookies. Yeah, I like the sound of that. If I can't be home, I'll at least make the most of it.

Happy holidays, everyone, where ever you may be!

If You Believe, Clap Your Hands!

By nature, I think we are all explorers in one form or another. We discover what we like what we don't like in food, art, work, and play. That is all based on our outer lives and based on the world around us with minor focus on our inner lives. Rarely or sporadically, however, do we explore our inner lives in detail. We shut that out. We exile ourselves from our own lives. Ooops.

Realizing that I have been short changing myself is a tough pill to swallow. Can't blame anyone else but me. I'm not sure that saying "yes" to everything now is the antithesis of that or even the right answer, but it may bear some clarity and provide a path out. Out to what? Clarity? Self sacrifice? Living lean and green? Oh, I wish I knew!

My latest "yes" is to an internship with a theatre management/production company. It's for six months, full time, with little pay. That's right, little pay - just a weekly stipend to offset travel/food expenses. But it will definitely aim to satisfy my art and work exploration. I have been missing that for quite some time. Still outwardly focused, but it does have a direct pipeline to my heart and inner spirit. That spirit is so small right now, I can barely see it! But it isn't dead yet. It's fluttering, wings beating, beginning to move around and lift its head a little.

So, it may not be the full-on inner exploration that I have been lacking, but it is a step closer. I'm saying yes to it. I'll take it and see where it leads.

Rain Drops Keep Fallin' On My Head...

A very dreary and wet day today.

The fire escape doesn't hold the magic and promise it usually does.

I think I'll stay inside and dream of a drier tomorrow.

The Most Magical Time of the Year

It's The Eye of the Tiger

I took a break over Thanksgiving. Lots of family time in New York City and Connecticut, running around, seeing theatre, enjoying life for a bit. Now I'm looking forward to heading home to Indiana over the Christmas holiday. Hopefully, life will start moving forward after that. Even though emotional changes are happening and mental decisions may or may not have been made, physical life is staying the same. Thankfully, I have a few people in my corner, cheering me on.

Support is always important. It can manifest itself in many ways, some constant and reliable and other surprising and out of the blue. You may say you don't need the support, you can do it on your own, but you still need it. Deep down, you know that it's true. It can be the physical support you still need after decisions are made. If it's a career change, how are you going to support yourself while you are working on a new career path? How are you going to pay for rent, insurance, transportation, food and water? How will you encourage yourself to continue on down this new direction after the excitement has worn off and the "Oh shit! What have I done? Quick, change it back!" doubts kick in? It's always nice to have a partner to rely on for those financial necessities and mental breakdowns. But what if you don't have a partner? What if you feel like you are alone in what you are trying to do?

I know, it's silly. We are never truly alone. But it often feels that way. You try to talk to someone, let them know what you are feeling, and they respond in a way that seems like they don't understand what you are trying to say or how you are feeling. You say it a different way, and they still don't understand. So you mentally go it solo. You stop sharing because it's the same every time you do. You start feeling like this alien creature in this human body that no one has the capacity to comprehend. Your human skin becomes your protection and your prison. Not as fun as it sounds. Just ask Sigourney Weaver.

It is really nice to have at least one person in your corner. One person who, even if they don't understand what you are saying, will say, "Okay. You do what you need to do. I'm here for you.". Or having that one person with whom you can commiserate. That's all we need, sometimes. Someone to listen, to forget about how it might impact them, and say, "Woah! That's a bummer!" or "Wow! How exciting!" or "Hey! Good for you!!!". Don't try to fix it - it's not yours to fix. Sometimes, it's just yours to listen and cheer us on.

That's all we need. Our own Mickey Goldmill.

If Ya Don't Got It, Fake It Until Ya Do!

If ya got it, flaunt it. Trouble is, I don't got it just yet. Self confidence, that is. It's a tricky thing, that self confidence. Some people have it and have no reason to have it; some have it oozing out of their pores for all of the right reasons. Still others struggle to grab it and hold on tight. I, of course, am currently of the latter. I had it at some point in my life, then I buried myself and lost it. As you all know by now, I am working on getting it back and living again. The problem is that having self confidence is not as easy as flipping a switch. Oh, how I wish it were! My life would be so much simpler, easier, more exciting!! Alas, I am stuck with me. But I think I can work with that.

One great thing happened this week. Sometimes, that's all I can ask for! A wonderful and extremely talented woman asked me awhile ago to read the stage directions for a reading she was doing of her play. I immediately said yes, without hesitation - saying yes instead of saying no to life! I was flattered and so happy that she asked. Me. I have no idea if or how many people she asked before me, and I don't really care at this point. She thought of me and asked me. I was thrilled. As the date came closer to the rehearsal and the reading itself, I started to get nervous. I started doubting myself and my ability. To read words. Out loud. Silly, right? I know. I have a frackin' theatre degree. I have done enough shows to know that I can read words. Out loud. I can read a play, memorize lines, develop a character, make choices, and act out a scene. I can read a play and see it like a movie in my head. I can create a set, block scenes, make costume and lighting choices. But reading words - just stage directions! - with a script in front of me, in front of other people, started to freak me out. My goodness. I knew I was a mess, but I didn't think I was that big of a mess. Geez.

So, I decided to buck up. I started to read the play, then decided to not read it until the rehearsal. Yes, it started to freak me out. Fine. No problems to wait. Rehearsal time came and all went well. Fine. Everyone was a stranger except for my friend, but I didn't die. Then the reading. Let me tell you, the reading was in one of the most gorgeous apartments I have seen in some time. Beautiful views of New York City! I had a glass of wine and relaxed a little bit. Then the reading. We had a small but generous audience. And it went well! Again, I didn't die. No, I didn't change the world with my reading of the stage directions, but I did it. And I wasn't tongue tied. I feel pretty good about that.

Is that a glimmer? Maybe. Perhaps I won't be faking it for long.

Take A Chance On Me

I am taking a chance. I don't normally take chances. I go with the safe and secure option. No frills, no risks… no fun. I have missed out on many things by not taking a chance. Avoiding the risk. But I am trying to make that a thing of the past. I'm living in New York City! If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere, right? At least Sinatra says so. I am building on this "living in the moment" strategy. Saying yes instead of saying no. A lot easier said than done.

Since I've started this blog, I am seeing glimpses of the person I used to be and the person I want to be. I see her! It's just going to take time to wade through all of the crap that's in the way. All mental and emotional crap. It's funny how that piles up on you, just like the real deal. Do they have a show for emotional hoarders too? I would be on that in a heart beat.

So, I just signed up for a voice over training program that includes a demo. Yikes! This is completely out of my comfort zone and makes me nervous. Why? Because I have no real experience and have no connections. I am a terrible networker, but I'm doing it. With or without anyone's help. Because I'm going to take a chance on me.

Just ask ABBA.

I Am...An Onion

I am too nice. Too sweet. I hear that so often, and I have  heard it for a long time. Can one be too nice, too sweet? I know that there have been several times in my life when I have treated someone horribly and felt like a total ass afterwards for doing it. Those moments come flooding back to me unexpectedly and bring the hottest flush of embarrassment to my cheeks. I think, "How could anyone like me after I have treated someone like that???" I may have had my excuses at the time, but there is never a good enough reason to treat someone like they are less than what I am. If I think that they are, then I most certainly think too much of myself.

I remember, as a child, teasing a neighborhood girl to no end. What was her name? Candy? Or was that her mother's name? I just can't remember. I do remember specifically laughing at the girl, calling her names, and chasing her back to her house. I was not alone in doing this, but I do think I had a big part in doing it. I remember even then that it wasn't the right thing to do, but I did it anyway. How is that too nice?

Just out of high school and into college, I had classes with great friends that I had known for quite some time. At some point during that first year in college, something changed for me. I wanted to break away from the teenager that was in high school and become an adult in college. But I felt like my friends still wanted to be in high school. That feeling was not correct, I'm sure, but that was how I felt. We would have classes together and laugh and joke; we ate lunch together, and they continued to drool over magazines of.... who was it? New Kids On the Block? I think, but it's hard to remember for sure. Goes to show you how important it really was. One day, I started to push them away. I stopped talking to them; I stopped sitting with them at lunch. I just cut them out of my life. I never gave them an excuse or a second thought until later in my life. How is that too sweet?

As an adult quickly approaching 40, I realize now how important friends are and how important it is to treat them well so that they know they are appreciated. No one ever likes the feeling of being cut out of someone's life. That hurts. Friends are precious. Perhaps it's karma coming back to bite me now that it's so hard for me to make friends. Perhaps. But what I am about to write is not to send that karma away. It just needs to be said.

I'm sorry. It is incredibly late in coming and much deserved. I'm sorry Candy or Candy's daughter for chasing you and teasing you. I'm sorry Cindy, Tara, and Mindy for cutting you out of my life. None of you deserved that. You didn't do anything wrong. I was just not too nice or too sweet to treat you that way. It may not mean much now, and in this way, but I needed to put it out there in the universe to be read.

So can anyone be too nice or too sweet? Not really. Not even the nicest and sweetest of us. Because we never see all of the layers of someone in one shot. We have an outer layer to protect us, and then we have all of these inner layers that will make you cry if peeled or cut. I am indeed an onion, but perhaps one of a sweeter variety because everyone deserves to be treated as an equal and with respect.

I am a Vidalia. 

Little Girl

It is always interesting to ride the subway in New York City. There are certainly other adjectives to use when describing the subway, but I will go with interesting today. I can easily encounter 50 people during a ride down to Midtown, but I never really see them. That's because we are all either a) "sleeping", b) "playing" on our electronic devices, c) "reading" the posters around the subway car, or d) giving up the sham altogether and just looking down at our hands in our laps to avoid any sort of eye contact. I am guilty of b through d. Of course, we can all use the excuse that we don't want to deal with all of the crazies that are around. Mental health is an issue here! But when walking, I find myself looking at the ground. When waiting, I find myself looking at my lap. Not making eye contact with anyone if I can help it. Disengaging from the life that is going on around me. Yet still aware of it all.

I remember the moment I became self aware as a child. I was perhaps 7 or so, and I was walking home after playing with a friend. It was a beautiful and warm day - sun shining, birds chirping, the whole cliche. I realized I was smiling. Why was I smiling? I couldn't think of an answer. I stopped smiling. It was a strange moment for me. I wonder now, was I a happy child? Or was that the beginning of making conscious choices of who I was and who I was to become? Was that the beginning of the angst and teeth gnashing? I wonder. I don't remember much of my childhood - a little of my parents' divorce and a fight, a few visits with my father, a slumber party for my birthday (trying to stay up late by eating M&Ms and drinking Pepsi!), my grandpa - but I do distinctly remember that moment. It's funny what sticks with you and what fades. That may have been the moment, too, that self confidence, or the lack thereof, may have been born.

Life is scary. Aside from a few moments in my adult life, I have been hiding from it. An old friend of mine has said that he sees that child version of himself when life gets scary. He chooses to act bravely for him. I think that is what I am trying to do now. To be brave for my 7 year old self. To comfort her and tell her that it will be okay, that she can do this. Whatever this is.

So, I am starting to say yes to life more. I said yes to a Red Bulls game tonight. I said yes to a voice over workshop this weekend. And I said yes to my photography class that resulted in a photo exhibit on Halloween, and the Village Halloween parade that followed. That exhibit was really important for me. For nearly two hours, I was there alone with my 7 year old self standing next to me. I fought being a wall flower. I walked around and looked at all of the wonderful pictures, chatted with some of my fellow students, and acted like a chatterbox hopped up on caffeine when trying to talk with my instructor. Poor Kathy! But I did it. I was brave for her. And at the end of the exhibit, at least one person really liked my photographs. I'll take it!

So I am going to challenge myself. Make eye contact today. Smile. And let the crazies fall where they may.

Square Peg, Round Hole

Most of my life, I have felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I have been able to cover this up semi-successfully and ignore it. Have you ever seen Square Pegs? Lauren Hutchinson - that's me most of the time, past and present. While I had friends growing up, I was never part of the popular crowd or cool kids. I struggle(d) with my weight and the social scene. Unlike Lauren, I'm not sure I wanted to be part of the popular crowd (who am I kidding? I thought we were the popular crowd!), but I did want to be liked. I was more...what? Angst ridden? Fight-for-the-global-cause minded? Awkwardly-and-not-always right outspoken? I didn't let that stop me then; I'm not sure anymore. High school was so long ago! Yet I still feel like I'm 15 most days. I lack any kind of self-confidence I may have had at 15; either that, or I've realized that my 15 year old self was wrong, so wrong. 

The older I've become, the more of a wall flower I've turned into. I still gnash my teeth, but I do it on the inside now instead of letting other people see it. I am socially awkward talking to anyone, one on one, who I don't know or know well. I have a terrible time making friends; I mostly make just friendly acquaintances. I am a homebody. Once I am home and in my jammies, it is nearly impossible to get me to go back out. I am comfy, can't you see that? I am boring. It allows me to hide. To not put myself out there to be judged by the popular crowd, or any one for that matter. Where has that gotten me exactly? Since moving to New York City and having so much time on my hands, I have no choice but to try to answer that question. If I don't, I am squandering my opportunities. So, here it goes:

I am a square. I have been in hiding. My yeses have turned into nos. While my life has not been horrible - it's been moving along - I don't have much to show for it. Sure, I went back and graduated college. With a theatre degree. One of the most useless degrees one could get. Not that I'm not glad I have it. I am! I am just not in that place any more. And, looking back, college was just another Square Pegs moment for me. I thought I tried to make things happen, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or I tried for the wrong things. Or it just was not meant to be. Theatre and friends were really just friendly acquaintances whose cliques were already full.

I need to turn this ship around, to turn a no into a yes. I am almost 40, and I need to do something now. My interests are changing, evolving, and growing, so I need to put myself out there and try again. I'm interested in photography. Voice over work. I'm writing. These are things I have never tried before. And I may not be any good at some of it, but I can't let that keep stopping me from trying. I do have talent. I just need to find it.

See? Putting myself out there again! This time, I care less what the popular kids think. And I don't care if I'm not in their clique.

Mostly.

Laundry Day

Laundry. Ugh. No matter how often we do it, there's more that needs to be done. It's a never ending cycle! The dirty needs to be washed clean and made new again. So we do it, whether we want to or not. Then we turn around, strip down, and start a new pile of dirty. Do you see where I'm going with this? Let's see...

Just like laundry, life is in a never ending cycle of learning, growing, and stretching until the day we die. I've ignored parts of the cycle for quite some time, suffered through others, and enjoyed a few. It's time to examine them all. I have to take my dirty and wash it to make it new again. Just because it's dirty doesn't mean that we just throw it out! Stains get added over time, the color fades, and the fabric stretches and loses its shape. But it's still wearable and could ultimately be made into something new. We just need to use our imagination or change our view of that shirt. Those shorts. That jacket. 

I've always viewed my shirt, my shorts, my jacket, as a cover up. To hide something that shouldn't be seen. To protect what is beneath it. What if I used them to accent what is already there? To bring it out to breathe at last? No, I'm not talking about stripping down to become an exhibitionist. Not my personality! I'm just talking about using what your parents gave you, in a sense, and moving forward with that. I can't change who I am, how I was molded, my past experiences that influence my future, but I can grow with all of it over time and learn to love it all. I just can't ignore the laundry, stains and all. I should not throw it out because it's old, worn, and faded, but add to it with the new to create something special. Because I deserve that. We all do.

It does no good to ignore the laundry. It just piles up on us and overwhelms us. I need to start digging out from underneath my pile. And add to it. Glorify and revel in it!

Wash. Spin. Repeat.

Apology Overload

The older I've gotten, the more I seem to say it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I missed your call. I'm sorry I didn't give you the remote when I left the room. I'm sorry I'm taking up space on the sidewalk that you clearly own. I'm sorry you waited so long to buy tickets so that now, the event is sold out. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I have become the I'm Sorry Robot. The response is automatic and on permanent repeat.

You see, we as women are taught that it is our nature to be kind, gentle, giving, and caring. But when did I let that erase me, who I am? When did I let I'm sorry dominate what I wanted, what I dreamed of for myself? You may not like my decision, so do I need to apologize for that? And apologize for what - for making a decision, or that you aren't happy with my decision? I used to have somewhat of a crust on me, but that's all gone so that the gooey mess on the inside is all that's left. And I'm swimming in that gooey mess, getting sucked down into it just like Princess Buttercup gets sucked into the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp. But I don't have Westley to save me. I don't need or want Westley to save me. I am not going to apologize for that. Anymore.

Is it ever appropriate to say I'm sorry? Sure. I am sorry I hurt your feelings. I am sorry I made a decision that completely changes what you thought the rest of your life would look like. I am so sorry for your loss. Completely appropriate and truly heartfelt. Forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste? Um, no. Going for a walk instead of doing the laundry? Nope. Writing a blog to try to get out what's in my head and express how I feel? No way.

So stop saying I'm sorry. For one day. Think it's easy? Go ahead, try it. I triple dog dare you. Let me know how you do, and I'll let you know how I do. And I am not sorry for the breach in etiquette!

Ready. Set. Go!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

...or so they say.

Photography is one of the things that I am trying right now...for the moment. I have so much to learn about photography, even after this class I am currently taking. It parallels my own learning curve with myself.  Photography is so technical yet so artistic and beautiful. You can control so many elements in a picture but so much is out of your control. Capturing the moment seems so easy - you just point your camera at an object or a scene and push a button. But then the end result may not be what you expected it to be at all. It can be dull, flat, stoic, glossy-eyed even. Or it can be magical, expressive, shocking, honest. 

A great friend of mine once said that my pictures are really good, and that may be because while I continue to look ahead and search for what's coming, I'm capturing the moment I'm in. Because I tend to ignore today and try to find out what's coming tomorrow. Living in the moment has never been something I was remotely good at doing. Is it because I've never recognized the moment? Or because I didn't like the moment? Sometimes, I will go through a day and do so many things I hate doing, but I do them because they have to get or be done. I think to myself, "Okay. Do this today. Tomorrow will be different." But tomorrow was never really different because I never changed how I approached tomorrow. So I ended up with days, months, and years of "Okay. Do this today. Tomorrow will be different." I am starting to recognize that it's not the tomorrow that will be different. It is the today that I need to make different.

So, here's to living in the moment! And capturing the moment. And LIKING the moment. Okay, so it's not going to happen all at once - or every day - but I'll get there. Eventually. The opportunity is presenting itself in disguise, amid turmoil, change, and uncertainty. But it's there. I just have to grab it and not let go. 

So, Sunday - Halloween! - is my last photography class, and we are having an exhibit. Each student exhibits six pictures centered around a theme of our own choosing, something that we have been working on since the first class. Now, I have struggled with what my theme was going to be. I thought about steps, doors, windows. Water, food, subway stations. Nothing was working. I would choose a theme, then not be able to capture what I envisioned. But I eventually found something. And it was there from the beginning. My theme?

Escapes. Fire Escapes.

From Indianapolis to New York City

How do I begin? My blog/my day?/my life? My world has changed since we moved from Indianapolis to New York City five months ago.  I've left behind all that is familiar. Comfortable. Safe. Sure, we brought all of our "stuff" with us, and we've vacationed in the City so many times before, but this is different. Now, perhaps for the first time, I am noticing how little of me there is in my life. I've covered it up with working and school and... but now that I'm in a new city, the Big Apple, and I have free time, the covers won't stay on. I am face to face with the fact that it's make or break time. Who am I? What do I want to be? What can I contribute? Hmmmmm...

It's hard for some to understand, I know. Most people just dive in and say, "Okay. This is where I am, so this is what I'm going to do." But my mind is swimming. For the first time in a long time, I don't have a clear path. I have so many things I want to try, but I am unsure of how to try. Doubt and fear and insecurity are obscuring it all. And it's because what I want to try is not the safe, stable route. I've always gone for the safe and stable. I think about going for that again, and I feel like sobbing.

So, this is the beginning of my journey. Of my journey of self-exploration, of trying something new, and forgetting about the safe and secure option. So what, I say, to what others think. So what, I say, to the doubt and insecurity. So what, I say, to the fear that is holding me back.

No more. It may not be your timing, but this is my time. And it's going to take as long as it takes.

Step one: check.